"I'm so proud of you!"

"Aw, she's so tiny", they say. "She's so little; how much does she weigh?" or "She seems so small for that age". These are all comments that have been made to me by complete strangers after they find out (or even before) how old my daughter is.

I almost take offense to it. If you're one of the guilty ones, it's really okay and I know you meant nothing mean or offensive by it at all. Honestly, I hear it so much, that there's a good chance I tuned you out as you were saying it. I know that people, maybe like yourself, are completely innocent in making those comments and usually, they mean no harm, but if I'm being honest, I can't stand it. Why? I don't know. It probably has something to do with how I've been told "You look so young", or "You don't look old enough to be a teacher", or "You're not seriously in your twenties are you?" more times than I can possibly count. I know it's probably not a big deal to others, but to me, it is. It always has been when it comes to how "old" I look (granted, I'll be LOVING this in about 10 years or so...at least that's what everyone has told me), and it probably always will be a big deal when it comes to how "big or small" my sweet daughter is.

Why am I ranting tonight? We had Emerson's 6 month well check-up today (which really should be called '7 month', considering she's 7 months on Thursday). Side note: how is it even possible that my itty bitty baby is closer to a year old now than she is to birth????? Anyway, aside from her first month of life (she was a chunker at birth), Emerson has always been on the small side. I knew she would be because I always was/have been too. Let me preface this next part by saying that I completely understand that the "growth chart" used by pediatricians is just one way to measure a baby's development/growth. I also completely accept the fact that every baby is different and that my darling girl is FANTASTIC, GORGEOUS, PERFECT just the way she is. That being said, Emerson weighed in the 2nd percentile today. She's a whopping 13lbs 12lbs, 15oz . I know, I know...she's tiny. Basically, the pediatrician said that everything else checked out great + that she even seems a little ahead on some milestones (Go Em!), but that I need to feed her more, plain and simple. Dagger to my heart. I knew going into this appointment that she'd be low on the charts (as I've seen lots of pictures of babies her age that are clearly larger than her), but it hit me hard today just how small she is.  I'm not mad or even upset that she's small or anything like that (in all honesty, I'd rather her be small than humongous, because I'm not trying to lug around a 20 pounder), it's just I immediately felt like it was my fault. Why couldn't I have fed her more often or produced more milk (even though that's definitely not the problem)? Why didn't I start her on rice cereal or formula like they suggested at her last appointment? I could ask 'what if' until I was blue in the face, but that won't change anything.

My goal over the next six weeks, or before her "weight check" (per the pediatrician) is to fill that chick-a-dee of mine with some calories, non-breastmilk calories. She nurses 4-6 times a day as it is, and has been eating solids 2x a day. She's definitely not being deprived of the goodness of food. She just gets to enjoy it even more now, I suppose.

Remember my post titled "Advice to a First Time Mom From a First Time Mom"? In it, I referenced how I have found it helpful to be part of a group on Facebook for moms. Today, that proved especially true. I don't post on the FB page much, but today I needed a little encouragement from moms who have had babies in the lower percentiles. I needed to know it wasn't my fault. I'm telling you, 33 comments later and I feel SO much at ease. I obviously didn't intend for that large of a response. Honestly, one mom saying she'd been there would've been plenty, but I worry a lot, and those 33 moms made me not only feel terrific about where Em is both physically + developmentally, but they also made ME feel like I'm doing a good job (probably without them even knowing it). I KNOW in my heart of hearts that there's nothing more I can/could do for my daughter than what I'm already doing. I give her 110% of myself and my time and I care for her needs almost 24 hours a day (minus the parts that she's sleeping). I am no less of a mom because my daughter is small and she IS THRIVING. She is doing awesome and I am so proud of her.

I just put her to bed a bit ago and as I rocked her, I just thought about how blessed I am to be her mom. She has not been the easiest of babies, but she is my sweetie. I love her with every piece of me and then some. As I laid her down and kissed her goodnight (for the thousandth time, because I kiss her at least 10 times at night before I actually leave her room), I whispered in her ear, "I love you so much", followed by...

"I'm so proud of you."