Like Ships in the Night

It was an occasional bicker here and there. It was an infrequent "Not tonight babe, I'm just too tired". It was a rare thing for us to have tension before our baby was born. In fact, the 9-10 months leading up to Emerson's arrival were some of my favorite times together as husband and wife. We'd bond over just staring at my belly moving. We'd talk for hours about what she'd look like, sound like, act like. We would sing to her, and make things for her.  Then, she came. Everything we'd been hoping for and dreaming of was FINALLY here, or so we thought. Truth is, what she brought with her is something I'd never expected.

Arguments, long and brutal arguments. Too many "Not tonight babe, I'm just WAY too tired's" (both from an overworked husband and a new, exhausted momma). Resentment. Anger. Frustration. Crazy work schedules. Lack of time. Lack of friendships. All of those (and many more) are things that came along with having our beautiful daughter. Marriage after baby, though very joyful in many ways, has been H.A.R.D. Can anyone relate? This post has been a long time coming. The topic has been on my heart for a while, and I recently had two different friends come to me about the struggles they've had in their marriages since adding a baby (babies) to the mix, and it just seemed like an appropriate time to write about it, so here goes...

Marriage is awesome in a lot of ways, but marriage is also very difficult in other ways. Marriage with kids is a whole new level of tough. It's like a level in a video game (don't ask me how I know this) that is impossible to beat, yet you spend hours and hours and hours trying to beat it. Marriage post-baby is a lot more "work" than I anticipated. Apparently, that's not an uncommon thought amongst our married-with-kids friends. (I'd be willing to bet this rears its ugly head in every household with children at SOME point, but if you have managed to escape it, then share your secrets and keep on keepin' on!)

What gets me is why doesn't anyone talk about just how tough married life is going to be after you have a baby? Why doesn't anyone give advice on how to keep your marriage a priority after a little human being comes along? Why was I so clueless that keeping our romance alive was going to require so much additional work than before? Why do I always have so many questions?

Ironically, I made a "date night jar" while I was pregnant, and Trey + I agreed that we'd utilize it once Emerson arrived. I think I read an article somewhere about how life changes a lot when you have a baby. OHHHHH, clearly I didn't understand it then. We had never really needed a "date night" jar before Emerson arrived, because we were pretty good about being intentional with each other...usually. I like to think the jar was my way of preparing for "marriage post-baby". Ask me if we've ever used it. in the 13 months of her life. Yikes, that's actually embarrassing to admit (granted we have been on a few dates, just not using the jar). 

Here's the thing: My husband and I have always been pretty different, aside from both being extremely stubborn and competitive, we don't have a ton in common. He likes football, I could care less (except I do like watching Clemson-he rubbed off on me). He likes beer, I like wine. He likes working out, I do...not. He's extroverted, I'm more introverted. He hates projects, I love them. He works a lot, I parent a lot. He is rational, I tend to be more emotional. You get my point; we're very different. Our differences have never seemed to be too much of an issue until this year. Like lately, our differences seem really hard to navigate, as in a lot of times, they're all that I can see. Like when he comes home sweaty after working out at the gym ALONE for hours to me sweating equally as much, but only because I've been chasing a toddler the entire time he's been gone. Or how he likes to tell me about things that happen at work with various people, and I, in an effort to feel somewhat validated, respond with something related to what Emerson did or didn't do that day.

We try to connect once Emerson is in bed at night, but honestly half of the time I'm nodding with empathy as he describes his days/nights at work, thinking to myself how there's no way in H-E-double hockey sticks I can relate to what he's saying.  He claims he understands how overwhelmed I must get at times caring for Emerson around the clock when he works days and days and days (and nights) in a row, but does he really understand? He isn't here a majority of the time, therefore there's no way he truly understands, hard as he may try.  It's lonely being me sometimes. It's frustrating being me. It's exhausting being me. WOE IS ME!

And, I crave him. I crave him like never before. I desperately miss our marriage pre-baby days. I want us to feel connected, and I want us to spend alone time together every day, but the reality is that that simply isn't an option these days. Due to his work schedule and my consumption of all things Emerson-related, we have become independent of one another, somewhat unknowingly. Again the irony of it all is that in trying to do "what's best for our family", we've lost a big piece of us. Our responsibilities have shifted and our lives have segmented themselves past the point of daily connection. Of course, we meddle in each other's lives daily, but it's just not like it used to be. He will put Emerson to bed when he's home. He will play with her and feed her and bathe her, so that I can clean up, or cook, or catch half of a television show without interruption. But despite us supporting each other in our parenting efforts, we are still like two ships in the night, sailing right past one another. When we're together just the two of us, it's usually enjoyable, but we rarely engage one another on a deeper level; on a level that needs to be reached. Let's be real honest here, our "engaging" usually revolves around a quick dinner at the table, then a joint bowl of ice-cream and a 30 minute tv show. I'm not complaining about though, because that, is better than nothing. It's really something special when our phones aren't involved, too. Don't pretend...you know EXACTLY what I mean.

This all sounds so dramatic and so painfully pathetic. Truth is, while I'm not intending to be dramatic, it is just that. Raising babies and keeping two adult lives + a relationship in tact is not easy. It takes hard work. It takes real, nitty-gritty commitment. Sometimes that commitment means continuing to swim upstream, when all you want to do is float and cruise downstream. Kids or no kids, marriage requires two people loving each other for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD. Like I said, HARD WORK. I understand our marriage vows better now than I ever have before. So, thanks baby girl. ;)

I guess I wrote all of that to say, rest assured that if you feel like you are the "only one" that feels like your marriage is weak at the moment, or if you feel like you aren't doing enough, or if you feel like adding a baby was both the greatest and the worst thing you could've done to your relationship...you're not alone. One thing that I have learned since having a baby is that anytime I find myself feeling like "I'm the only one" that struggles with this or that, the opposite is  usually true. Nine times out of ten, God places someone or something in my path at exactly the right time to reassure me that indeed I am NOT alone in my fight. Sometimes, it's a friend (this has been especially true for me recently). Sometimes, it's a bible verse or a blog post/article. Sometimes, it's a stranger. And albeit, sometimes, it's my own spouse. You know, that one man that I pass in the night? Yeah, sometimes he's better for me than I ever thought possible. Even though we aren't always aboard the same ship, I know that amidst all the work craziness, the kid stuff, and the day-to-day, we are traveling the same direction, we just have to be intentional about arriving there together.

My Struggle Is Real, Is Yours?

"What you need to hear (hell, what all parents need to hear) is that is OK to let the dishes stack up. It’s OK to be pissed at your significant other simply for having a life outside the house. It’s OK to loathe silly songs—I for one wish that the wheels on that damn bus would fall off. It is OK to miss the woman you were. Whether you worked outside the house or not doesn’t matter, everything changes when you become a mom, and when you stay at home, there is nothing to you aside from mom, or so it seems." (To read the full blog post, go here.)

I am having one of those days where I throw myself a pity-party. Maybe it's the fact that I broke one of my favorite candles + picture frames this morning, or it could be all the rain. ALL THE GODFORSAKEN RAIN! I have been cooped up in the house with my 1 year old now for close to a week. I mean, we've gone to the store, for a quick (misty) walk, and to my parent's a time or two, but we've pretty much spent 75% of our time inside our house for the last week. I think it has caused me to lose my mind, just a little. Don't get me wrong, I love a good rainy day or two, or at least I used to. Now that I have a child, rainy days aren't so great. It basically means no outside time, no walks, no in-and-out of the car multiple times if we need to run errands. Okay, that last one is only semi-true, but it's incredibly more cumbersome to get a 1 year old (or kids of any age still requiring a carseat) in and out of the car when it's raining. I attempted it the other day, and I'm still regretting it. By the time we got home, I looked like a scene out of a scary movie: hair stuck to my face-no point in using frizz control this time, mud all over my pant legs, a soaking wet diaper bag, and let's not forget the tearful child, who's puffs got carried away by the wind. Lord help us all.

I have to be honest, I still struggle from time-to-time with this whole 'mommy hood' thing. I can hear the veteran mom's now: "oh honey, you will struggle from now until the day you die". Noted...thanks.  I clearly expect struggle with this role I've been blessed with. YES, I said blessed. But Chelsea, aren't you writing about how much you are struggling with being a mom? I have friends that would literally give anything to be in my position. I don't intend to be malicious towards those friends or towards anyone who is just head over heels in love with motherhood. I'm sure there are some of you that couldn't imagine life without your little ones. Neither can I, only sometimes I can, selfishly. I think that's normal, though. I have to remind myself that when I start resenting my husband for having "a life outside the house", or when I start to become overwhelmed by the amount of housework that needs to be done, or when I simply start missing my days of independence (you know, the ones where the only person you really were responsible for was yourself), I have to snap out of it. On days (or weeks) like these, it is so easy for me to wish away the time or to get lost in a time that will probably never be again. It is so easy for me to just want to leave the house and run away, far, far away. I obviously would never do that, especially not without Emerson. See, I'm already thinking about her and this is supposed to be a post about how sometimes I wish I didn't have to think about her. Don't judge me, you know you've had a similar thought at least once since having a baby.

I think mom's who stay home, and mom's who work have struggles. I do not think they have all of the same struggles, but they have struggles no doubt. Recently, I have really been jealous of my former self. How I have wished these past few days, that I could sleep in, watch endless amounts of mindless television, (can't believe I'm saying this, but) GO TO WORK, or even shop without having to rely on puffs + Barney, on my iPhone as a saving grace.  (Don't even get me started on the Barney thing...she loves that giant purple dinosaur and his annoyingly catchy songs). I find myself wondering "what would I be doing if...". Those thoughts tend to be dangerous for me. I don't resent my daughter in the least, or the choice I made to stay home with her. I am, however, a human being with real emotions, some of which lean on the side of jealousy. Jealousy of others, jealousy of my former self, jealousy of my husband/other working people because they get to be with other adults on a daily basis, jealousy of the seemingly easy-going spirit of other moms out there. You name it, I've probably been jealous of it (unless it relates to the loss of sleep, then I'm definitely not jealous). 

So, all of that to say, if you feel like mommy hood isn't always all it's cracked up to be, then you're probably feeling like most every other mom out there. Some days it just sucks being "mom" (note I didn't say "a mom"). Some days you just want to be "Chelsea" (insert your name there). Some days you get jealous of your spouse and his/her ability to come and go as they please because the little human is not as desperately attached to them (love you babe, really!!). And some days, you just want to remember what it's like to be without responsibility...just for a little while. THAT'S OKAY. You're not alone and you know what, the more you share your feelings, the less likely you are to get lost in them.  At least, that's how it is for me. Y'all know I'm all about putting things out in the open.

I feel better already. Maybe I have time for lunch, now that it's 3pm. Who am I  kidding? It's pouring down rain + it's looking like a dang tor-nada outside, so I've got the rest of the day to eat. Ha, again I kid, my child will want me to share anything that I try to consume. I guess you could say, she's helping me watch my weight. ;) Stay dry...

PS. If you're wondering why it looks like I highlighted this entire post, it's because I copied + pasted the first quote and for some reason, it highlighted the entire post + I cannot figure out how to undo it. So, sorry for that! :) Also, THANK YOU to anyone that has visited/followed my new IG shop or shared my previous blog post about it! I really, really appreciate it.