I got a massage on Thursday for my birthday. Yep, you read that correctly. It was as divine as it sounds. This was not my first go around with massages either. I have had a fair amount, actually. Each one being a little different. I'd have to say that I always have high expectations for these things and I end up just hoping for the best mid-way through. I thought that I would recount my massage from Thursday both for comedic relief to simply to reiterate the importance of having high hopes with low expectations regardless of the situation.
A massage starts before you ever enter the dark little room complete with the ambient music + warm, cozy "bed". Mine started with a deflated office chair in the lobby, actually. Bless. That thing had seen it's day, but it was the only available seat, so in it, I sat. I filled out my paperwork on what I wanted done during the session, plus a bunch of medical questions. All of which, made me think long and hard about my life. You MUST write that you want minimal talking during the massage. This is Rule # 1. I never knew this until this one time I got a male masseuse, which was totally weird and NOT relaxing. Not to mention, he talked like 90% of the time I was under his hands. I made that awkward comment because the whole experience was awkward. I knew about not just his first wife, but also his second and how + why they'd all gone south quick. I was pretty sure I knew why before he really even got to all of the details. Anyway, I digress. I always write MINIMAL TALKING on the "special requests or pertinent information" section of the paperwork. This is Rule # 2. Also, the paperwork asked "What do you hope to achieve from this session today?" I was slightly confused because I just assumed massages are always to induce relaxation. I didn't know what else to write. I thought "calm my fears, make my pimples disappear, or make my legs smoother" were all a bit too hefty for one masseuse, so I just stuck with "relaxation".
I entered the room and was greeted with a cup of water and this sweet lady. Phew, not a man. Oh yeah, always request the gender of choice for your massage. Every since creepy dude, I always request a female. I have found that I don't relax with a man at the wheel, so to speak. That one time, all I could think was "omg, did he just touch my butt?", "whooooa buddy, my leg does NOT go that high". You get the picture. Always request a lady, always. Plus what if you had a hot guy masseuse? Then you'd just feel guilty + self-conscious. Not worth it and not relaxing.
After a brief stay in the deflated chair, I entered the dark room and the masseuse had a very pleasant voice. It was calming and immediately I was at ease. Now, this is where things usually get kinda weird. Naked or no? Underwear or no undies? I usually keep mine on, just because I don't know you like that. So, I hopped up on the table and under the blanket, unsure of where to put my head {on the headrest or straight down on the bed; it's always a dilemma}. She entered again and explained what she was going to do during my session. I got a regular massage with HOT STONES this time, which was new. Highly recommend. She began massaging my shoulders and it got reaaaaaalll quiet besides the ambient music. That's when I felt it...
Not 5 minutes in and my stomach was already making noises. Not like "ohh I think I might growl or gurgle quietly for a second", but like "let me make all those around think I'm coming to destroy them" type sounds. It most likely was from the full cup of water I chugged prior to lying down. Anyway, we laughed about it and she continued. I always have a hard time relaxing for the first few minutes because I'm just constantly stuck in my thoughts of, "I wonder what she's thinking about, like maybe she thinks I smell weird or my skin is rough or my legs are hairy." Always shave your legs prior to the appointment. This is Rule # 3. Then, my thoughts move to "I wonder how many people have laid naked on this exact table", "I wonder what the grossest person she's ever massaged was like", "What do they use to wash these sheets?", "Aren't her hands tired?", or my favorite, "OMG, please don't fart, Chelsea, please don't fart." I mean it's not like you can hide it when there's only two of you in there AND you're under a blanket. HAHA Y'all, I would die. Thankfully, that's never happened. Now, my husband...that's a different story.
So, about 30 minutes into my 60 minute massage, I was finally feeling like I was floating in the clouds. By this time, she had applied the hot stones and at first, I thought she was literally trying to burn my flesh, but then it just melted my stress away like magic. That is until two of the stones that were resting on my thighs fell in-between my legs {yes, right at my crotch} and she had to retrieve them. Oh My Lanta! Normally, I would've been mortified, but I think the massage up to this point had made me care-free because I just laughed and said "You can get 'em. Get in there." Who am I? She probably regretted my being there at this point, despite her little giggle and awkward hand in between my legs.
She told me to flip over, at which point I'm pretty sure there was a nip slip. But, whatevs, I was in the zone and did NOT care. You have to put your face strategically in that donut shaped head rest, which honestly, is not all that comfortable, if you ask me. It took me a good minute to find the exact spot where my eyes weren't smushed, my nose was free for breathing adequately, and my mouth was able to be positioned so that I wasn't drooling all over the floor. The best part after a massage, by the way {aside from the free candy they gave me}, are the lines all over your face from said head rest. It's hilarious.
After she finished the massage, I went to sit up and literally couldn't breathe out of my nose because it was so stopped up all of sudden. She said "Oh yeah, that happens". Apparently, I should've known that. So, be prepared for a few minutes of no nose breathing. I put all my clothes back on and slid around in my sandals like I was ice skating. Almond oil covered my skin, so everything was slick as ice. I smelt divine though, which is awesome, because it had been 4 days since I'd washed my hair. ;) Hello, dry shampoo!
All in all, the massage was one for the record books. And if you haven't had one, you need to treat yourself, but remember to obey the rules I gave you {there are only 3!}. It will save you a lot of heartache and embarrassment. Take heed my loves, and tell me your funniest massage story. XO!
A massage starts before you ever enter the dark little room complete with the ambient music + warm, cozy "bed". Mine started with a deflated office chair in the lobby, actually. Bless. That thing had seen it's day, but it was the only available seat, so in it, I sat. I filled out my paperwork on what I wanted done during the session, plus a bunch of medical questions. All of which, made me think long and hard about my life. You MUST write that you want minimal talking during the massage. This is Rule # 1. I never knew this until this one time I got a male masseuse, which was totally weird and NOT relaxing. Not to mention, he talked like 90% of the time I was under his hands. I made that awkward comment because the whole experience was awkward. I knew about not just his first wife, but also his second and how + why they'd all gone south quick. I was pretty sure I knew why before he really even got to all of the details. Anyway, I digress. I always write MINIMAL TALKING on the "special requests or pertinent information" section of the paperwork. This is Rule # 2. Also, the paperwork asked "What do you hope to achieve from this session today?" I was slightly confused because I just assumed massages are always to induce relaxation. I didn't know what else to write. I thought "calm my fears, make my pimples disappear, or make my legs smoother" were all a bit too hefty for one masseuse, so I just stuck with "relaxation".
I entered the room and was greeted with a cup of water and this sweet lady. Phew, not a man. Oh yeah, always request the gender of choice for your massage. Every since creepy dude, I always request a female. I have found that I don't relax with a man at the wheel, so to speak. That one time, all I could think was "omg, did he just touch my butt?", "whooooa buddy, my leg does NOT go that high". You get the picture. Always request a lady, always. Plus what if you had a hot guy masseuse? Then you'd just feel guilty + self-conscious. Not worth it and not relaxing.
After a brief stay in the deflated chair, I entered the dark room and the masseuse had a very pleasant voice. It was calming and immediately I was at ease. Now, this is where things usually get kinda weird. Naked or no? Underwear or no undies? I usually keep mine on, just because I don't know you like that. So, I hopped up on the table and under the blanket, unsure of where to put my head {on the headrest or straight down on the bed; it's always a dilemma}. She entered again and explained what she was going to do during my session. I got a regular massage with HOT STONES this time, which was new. Highly recommend. She began massaging my shoulders and it got reaaaaaalll quiet besides the ambient music. That's when I felt it...
Not 5 minutes in and my stomach was already making noises. Not like "ohh I think I might growl or gurgle quietly for a second", but like "let me make all those around think I'm coming to destroy them" type sounds. It most likely was from the full cup of water I chugged prior to lying down. Anyway, we laughed about it and she continued. I always have a hard time relaxing for the first few minutes because I'm just constantly stuck in my thoughts of, "I wonder what she's thinking about, like maybe she thinks I smell weird or my skin is rough or my legs are hairy." Always shave your legs prior to the appointment. This is Rule # 3. Then, my thoughts move to "I wonder how many people have laid naked on this exact table", "I wonder what the grossest person she's ever massaged was like", "What do they use to wash these sheets?", "Aren't her hands tired?", or my favorite, "OMG, please don't fart, Chelsea, please don't fart." I mean it's not like you can hide it when there's only two of you in there AND you're under a blanket. HAHA Y'all, I would die. Thankfully, that's never happened. Now, my husband...that's a different story.
So, about 30 minutes into my 60 minute massage, I was finally feeling like I was floating in the clouds. By this time, she had applied the hot stones and at first, I thought she was literally trying to burn my flesh, but then it just melted my stress away like magic. That is until two of the stones that were resting on my thighs fell in-between my legs {yes, right at my crotch} and she had to retrieve them. Oh My Lanta! Normally, I would've been mortified, but I think the massage up to this point had made me care-free because I just laughed and said "You can get 'em. Get in there." Who am I? She probably regretted my being there at this point, despite her little giggle and awkward hand in between my legs.
She told me to flip over, at which point I'm pretty sure there was a nip slip. But, whatevs, I was in the zone and did NOT care. You have to put your face strategically in that donut shaped head rest, which honestly, is not all that comfortable, if you ask me. It took me a good minute to find the exact spot where my eyes weren't smushed, my nose was free for breathing adequately, and my mouth was able to be positioned so that I wasn't drooling all over the floor. The best part after a massage, by the way {aside from the free candy they gave me}, are the lines all over your face from said head rest. It's hilarious.
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| Me, post-massage |
All in all, the massage was one for the record books. And if you haven't had one, you need to treat yourself, but remember to obey the rules I gave you {there are only 3!}. It will save you a lot of heartache and embarrassment. Take heed my loves, and tell me your funniest massage story. XO!
