Like Ships in the Night

It was an occasional bicker here and there. It was an infrequent "Not tonight babe, I'm just too tired". It was a rare thing for us to have tension before our baby was born. In fact, the 9-10 months leading up to Emerson's arrival were some of my favorite times together as husband and wife. We'd bond over just staring at my belly moving. We'd talk for hours about what she'd look like, sound like, act like. We would sing to her, and make things for her.  Then, she came. Everything we'd been hoping for and dreaming of was FINALLY here, or so we thought. Truth is, what she brought with her is something I'd never expected.

Arguments, long and brutal arguments. Too many "Not tonight babe, I'm just WAY too tired's" (both from an overworked husband and a new, exhausted momma). Resentment. Anger. Frustration. Crazy work schedules. Lack of time. Lack of friendships. All of those (and many more) are things that came along with having our beautiful daughter. Marriage after baby, though very joyful in many ways, has been H.A.R.D. Can anyone relate? This post has been a long time coming. The topic has been on my heart for a while, and I recently had two different friends come to me about the struggles they've had in their marriages since adding a baby (babies) to the mix, and it just seemed like an appropriate time to write about it, so here goes...

Marriage is awesome in a lot of ways, but marriage is also very difficult in other ways. Marriage with kids is a whole new level of tough. It's like a level in a video game (don't ask me how I know this) that is impossible to beat, yet you spend hours and hours and hours trying to beat it. Marriage post-baby is a lot more "work" than I anticipated. Apparently, that's not an uncommon thought amongst our married-with-kids friends. (I'd be willing to bet this rears its ugly head in every household with children at SOME point, but if you have managed to escape it, then share your secrets and keep on keepin' on!)

What gets me is why doesn't anyone talk about just how tough married life is going to be after you have a baby? Why doesn't anyone give advice on how to keep your marriage a priority after a little human being comes along? Why was I so clueless that keeping our romance alive was going to require so much additional work than before? Why do I always have so many questions?

Ironically, I made a "date night jar" while I was pregnant, and Trey + I agreed that we'd utilize it once Emerson arrived. I think I read an article somewhere about how life changes a lot when you have a baby. OHHHHH, clearly I didn't understand it then. We had never really needed a "date night" jar before Emerson arrived, because we were pretty good about being intentional with each other...usually. I like to think the jar was my way of preparing for "marriage post-baby". Ask me if we've ever used it. in the 13 months of her life. Yikes, that's actually embarrassing to admit (granted we have been on a few dates, just not using the jar). 

Here's the thing: My husband and I have always been pretty different, aside from both being extremely stubborn and competitive, we don't have a ton in common. He likes football, I could care less (except I do like watching Clemson-he rubbed off on me). He likes beer, I like wine. He likes working out, I do...not. He's extroverted, I'm more introverted. He hates projects, I love them. He works a lot, I parent a lot. He is rational, I tend to be more emotional. You get my point; we're very different. Our differences have never seemed to be too much of an issue until this year. Like lately, our differences seem really hard to navigate, as in a lot of times, they're all that I can see. Like when he comes home sweaty after working out at the gym ALONE for hours to me sweating equally as much, but only because I've been chasing a toddler the entire time he's been gone. Or how he likes to tell me about things that happen at work with various people, and I, in an effort to feel somewhat validated, respond with something related to what Emerson did or didn't do that day.

We try to connect once Emerson is in bed at night, but honestly half of the time I'm nodding with empathy as he describes his days/nights at work, thinking to myself how there's no way in H-E-double hockey sticks I can relate to what he's saying.  He claims he understands how overwhelmed I must get at times caring for Emerson around the clock when he works days and days and days (and nights) in a row, but does he really understand? He isn't here a majority of the time, therefore there's no way he truly understands, hard as he may try.  It's lonely being me sometimes. It's frustrating being me. It's exhausting being me. WOE IS ME!

And, I crave him. I crave him like never before. I desperately miss our marriage pre-baby days. I want us to feel connected, and I want us to spend alone time together every day, but the reality is that that simply isn't an option these days. Due to his work schedule and my consumption of all things Emerson-related, we have become independent of one another, somewhat unknowingly. Again the irony of it all is that in trying to do "what's best for our family", we've lost a big piece of us. Our responsibilities have shifted and our lives have segmented themselves past the point of daily connection. Of course, we meddle in each other's lives daily, but it's just not like it used to be. He will put Emerson to bed when he's home. He will play with her and feed her and bathe her, so that I can clean up, or cook, or catch half of a television show without interruption. But despite us supporting each other in our parenting efforts, we are still like two ships in the night, sailing right past one another. When we're together just the two of us, it's usually enjoyable, but we rarely engage one another on a deeper level; on a level that needs to be reached. Let's be real honest here, our "engaging" usually revolves around a quick dinner at the table, then a joint bowl of ice-cream and a 30 minute tv show. I'm not complaining about though, because that, is better than nothing. It's really something special when our phones aren't involved, too. Don't pretend...you know EXACTLY what I mean.

This all sounds so dramatic and so painfully pathetic. Truth is, while I'm not intending to be dramatic, it is just that. Raising babies and keeping two adult lives + a relationship in tact is not easy. It takes hard work. It takes real, nitty-gritty commitment. Sometimes that commitment means continuing to swim upstream, when all you want to do is float and cruise downstream. Kids or no kids, marriage requires two people loving each other for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD. Like I said, HARD WORK. I understand our marriage vows better now than I ever have before. So, thanks baby girl. ;)

I guess I wrote all of that to say, rest assured that if you feel like you are the "only one" that feels like your marriage is weak at the moment, or if you feel like you aren't doing enough, or if you feel like adding a baby was both the greatest and the worst thing you could've done to your relationship...you're not alone. One thing that I have learned since having a baby is that anytime I find myself feeling like "I'm the only one" that struggles with this or that, the opposite is  usually true. Nine times out of ten, God places someone or something in my path at exactly the right time to reassure me that indeed I am NOT alone in my fight. Sometimes, it's a friend (this has been especially true for me recently). Sometimes, it's a bible verse or a blog post/article. Sometimes, it's a stranger. And albeit, sometimes, it's my own spouse. You know, that one man that I pass in the night? Yeah, sometimes he's better for me than I ever thought possible. Even though we aren't always aboard the same ship, I know that amidst all the work craziness, the kid stuff, and the day-to-day, we are traveling the same direction, we just have to be intentional about arriving there together.

My Struggle Is Real, Is Yours?

"What you need to hear (hell, what all parents need to hear) is that is OK to let the dishes stack up. It’s OK to be pissed at your significant other simply for having a life outside the house. It’s OK to loathe silly songs—I for one wish that the wheels on that damn bus would fall off. It is OK to miss the woman you were. Whether you worked outside the house or not doesn’t matter, everything changes when you become a mom, and when you stay at home, there is nothing to you aside from mom, or so it seems." (To read the full blog post, go here.)

I am having one of those days where I throw myself a pity-party. Maybe it's the fact that I broke one of my favorite candles + picture frames this morning, or it could be all the rain. ALL THE GODFORSAKEN RAIN! I have been cooped up in the house with my 1 year old now for close to a week. I mean, we've gone to the store, for a quick (misty) walk, and to my parent's a time or two, but we've pretty much spent 75% of our time inside our house for the last week. I think it has caused me to lose my mind, just a little. Don't get me wrong, I love a good rainy day or two, or at least I used to. Now that I have a child, rainy days aren't so great. It basically means no outside time, no walks, no in-and-out of the car multiple times if we need to run errands. Okay, that last one is only semi-true, but it's incredibly more cumbersome to get a 1 year old (or kids of any age still requiring a carseat) in and out of the car when it's raining. I attempted it the other day, and I'm still regretting it. By the time we got home, I looked like a scene out of a scary movie: hair stuck to my face-no point in using frizz control this time, mud all over my pant legs, a soaking wet diaper bag, and let's not forget the tearful child, who's puffs got carried away by the wind. Lord help us all.

I have to be honest, I still struggle from time-to-time with this whole 'mommy hood' thing. I can hear the veteran mom's now: "oh honey, you will struggle from now until the day you die". Noted...thanks.  I clearly expect struggle with this role I've been blessed with. YES, I said blessed. But Chelsea, aren't you writing about how much you are struggling with being a mom? I have friends that would literally give anything to be in my position. I don't intend to be malicious towards those friends or towards anyone who is just head over heels in love with motherhood. I'm sure there are some of you that couldn't imagine life without your little ones. Neither can I, only sometimes I can, selfishly. I think that's normal, though. I have to remind myself that when I start resenting my husband for having "a life outside the house", or when I start to become overwhelmed by the amount of housework that needs to be done, or when I simply start missing my days of independence (you know, the ones where the only person you really were responsible for was yourself), I have to snap out of it. On days (or weeks) like these, it is so easy for me to wish away the time or to get lost in a time that will probably never be again. It is so easy for me to just want to leave the house and run away, far, far away. I obviously would never do that, especially not without Emerson. See, I'm already thinking about her and this is supposed to be a post about how sometimes I wish I didn't have to think about her. Don't judge me, you know you've had a similar thought at least once since having a baby.

I think mom's who stay home, and mom's who work have struggles. I do not think they have all of the same struggles, but they have struggles no doubt. Recently, I have really been jealous of my former self. How I have wished these past few days, that I could sleep in, watch endless amounts of mindless television, (can't believe I'm saying this, but) GO TO WORK, or even shop without having to rely on puffs + Barney, on my iPhone as a saving grace.  (Don't even get me started on the Barney thing...she loves that giant purple dinosaur and his annoyingly catchy songs). I find myself wondering "what would I be doing if...". Those thoughts tend to be dangerous for me. I don't resent my daughter in the least, or the choice I made to stay home with her. I am, however, a human being with real emotions, some of which lean on the side of jealousy. Jealousy of others, jealousy of my former self, jealousy of my husband/other working people because they get to be with other adults on a daily basis, jealousy of the seemingly easy-going spirit of other moms out there. You name it, I've probably been jealous of it (unless it relates to the loss of sleep, then I'm definitely not jealous). 

So, all of that to say, if you feel like mommy hood isn't always all it's cracked up to be, then you're probably feeling like most every other mom out there. Some days it just sucks being "mom" (note I didn't say "a mom"). Some days you just want to be "Chelsea" (insert your name there). Some days you get jealous of your spouse and his/her ability to come and go as they please because the little human is not as desperately attached to them (love you babe, really!!). And some days, you just want to remember what it's like to be without responsibility...just for a little while. THAT'S OKAY. You're not alone and you know what, the more you share your feelings, the less likely you are to get lost in them.  At least, that's how it is for me. Y'all know I'm all about putting things out in the open.

I feel better already. Maybe I have time for lunch, now that it's 3pm. Who am I  kidding? It's pouring down rain + it's looking like a dang tor-nada outside, so I've got the rest of the day to eat. Ha, again I kid, my child will want me to share anything that I try to consume. I guess you could say, she's helping me watch my weight. ;) Stay dry...

PS. If you're wondering why it looks like I highlighted this entire post, it's because I copied + pasted the first quote and for some reason, it highlighted the entire post + I cannot figure out how to undo it. So, sorry for that! :) Also, THANK YOU to anyone that has visited/followed my new IG shop or shared my previous blog post about it! I really, really appreciate it.

A Letter to Our Daughter

Dear Emerson Grace,

This letter comes on the eve of your FIRST birthday. Where has the time gone? It's been a whirlwind of a year with so many joys and challenges. We didn't know quite what we were getting ourselves into when those two lines showed up on the pregnancy test that day in December. We had so much fun watching you grow inside of Mom's belly while you kicked + squirmed (and hiccuped a lot). We got nervous and excited that night you decided you were ready to enter the world. You came on a Tuesday, at 4:38 in the morning. You were nice enough to let Mommy catch up on her Monday night television and you even waited to start your shenanigans until she finished her bowl of Mint Chocolate Chip ice-cream (Daddy is rolling his eyes at this moment). Mommy says "THANK YOU" for that, as it was her last time eating ice-cream for quite a while. You started telling your Mom that you were ready to come out around 9:45pm. You didn't waste any time and by 11pm, Mommy + Daddy were racing to the hospital because your Mommy was in a lot of pain. By 3:00am, you were very ready to be in our arms. You came into our lives with a head full of hair and chubby little cheeks (those are still our favorite feature). We were amazed that we had created such an adorable human being. You were (and still are) the most beautiful baby we'd ever seen! The first few nights with you were exhausting and overwhelming. We weren't sure of a lot of things, but we knew right away that we loved you more than we'd ever loved anyone or anything. You were our miracle.

This year, you have shown us love in the simplest of ways. I (Mom) am starting to cry writing this portion because I just can't believe how quickly a year has passed. I regret not cherishing more moments with you because now they're just a memory. Thankfully, your Daddy and I have taken tons of pictures of you to help us remember special moments of your first year. As I was getting you  ready for bed tonight, I did something I don't normally do; I rocked you. You laid your head on my chest and I just kissed you over and over. I could feel time just slipping away. You are growing so fast and every day presents new opportunities to experience your growth. You are so funny and your smile is just absolutely contagious. You light up when you see your Daddy and you crawl so fast to get to me these days. You love playing Peek-a-boo with Daddy's hat and you are extremely ticklish on your feet and sides, but really only when Daddy tickles you. You hardly cuddle up to us anymore, but when you do, the whole world stops. You don't like being left alone, and you would stay in my arms all day if I'd let you (or if I was strong enough). You are determined, strong-willed, and not afraid to ask for help (especially when you want to do something that scares you). You know sign-language and you are trying to say so many new words. Every day, it's something new and that's so exciting for us. This stage is SO fun and you are exploding in your development. It is awesome to just sit back and watch you play. But, even better than that is how wonderful it is to just watch you sleep. We don't often watch you close-up because you are a very light sleeper and seem to just be able to feel our presence, but we often just like to stare at you sleeping on the monitor as your roll around like a maniac in your crib. You sleep like your mama, girl! We love going through all the pictures we took each day after you've gone to bed. It helps us feel close to you, even though you're right in the room across the hall. We relive moments from the day by talking about the various ways you brought us joy. We sometimes cry because we can't believe how proud we are to be your Mom and Dad. You bring us more love and more joy than we'd ever imagined possible!

A few minutes after you were born.

The last picture we took before you went to bed on the night before you turned 1 year old. 

We will never be able to tell you enough just how much we adore you. You are OUR WORLD. We are honored to be your parents and we will do anything for you for as long as we live. We pray for your salvation and we hope to live out Jesus to you. You are our precious, precious miracle and we have loved getting to know you this year, as hard as it has been, you have changed our lives and we are eternally thankful for you! Happy Birthday, sweet girl. We love you so very much!

                Love Always,
                         Mommy + Daddy
                         August 25, 2015

A Cheap, Adorable + Super Quick DIY for even the DIY Challenged!

If you're a mom, soon-to-be mom, or even an aunt or friend to a little girl, then you HAVE to try this DIY. It's probably one of my favorite DIY's ever and here's why: I'm obsessed with putting headbands and bows on Emerson. Although, she looks very cute without them, WITH them she just screams adorable. I'm much too thrifty to spend a fortune on bows and headbands. Etsy has some very cute ones, as do other websites + stores, but for more than I want to spend. So, in true Chelsea fashion, I created my own for a fraction of the cost.

I've posted a tutorial on this before, but I have since deleted that blog, so I figured I'd share another (and simpler) tutorial with you guys! I recently discovered that Walmart has a whole rack of $1 bows in every color you could need in the Children's section. Dollar Tree + Big Lots also have a decent selection, as does Target (but they're a little more expensive).

Today I'm going to share how to create a headband using a pre-made ribbon bow for under $5 (or less)! These make great gifts and are super fast + fun to make. They're VERY simple and can be done in under 5 minutes, yes even for those of you that consider yourselves DIY-challenged. To make it even easier for you, I've included step-by-step picture tutorial.

Materials Needed:
Hot glue gun, hot glue sticks, scissors, pre-made ribbon bows (from one of the stores-or even another- mentioned above), elastic ribbon (shown in red), and/or braided elastic (sizes 1/4" + 1/2" used for mine + they're shown in white).

Each container was $0.97 at Walmart

$0.97 at Walmart                                           

The tutorial I am about to share costed me a total of $2 because I had the glue gun, glue sticks, and scissors on hand already. All I had to purchase was the elastic ribbon + hair bow.

Step 1 Cut your elastic to the desired length (you may need to measure your tiny human's head prior to doing this--I just guesstimated) and hot glue the ends together to create a circle (headband).

Step 2 Choose a pre-made bow that you bought and flip it over so that you're looking at the underside of the bow. (Most bows come as a "barrette or hair clip", so I'm going to show you how to remove that and still keep the bow in tact). 

Next, carefully remove the ribbon (you may have to yank it a little bit because it is glued) that is wrapped around the center of the bow in order to gently remove the barrette or clip. 

 If you've done this correctly, you should have 3 separate parts now: the bow, the center ribbon, and the clip (as seen below).

Step 3 Reattach the center ribbon by wrapping back around the middle of the bow and hot gluing the ends together on the underside of the bow. 

Step 4 Using a dab of hot glue on the ribbon headband that you created in Step 1, attach the bow to the headband (I usually glue the bow on the headband where the two headband ends came together so that that part can't be seen once the headband is assembled). 

            

Step 5 Make sure the bow is attached evenly + sturdily to the headband + put that bad boy on your little model and be amazed by her adorableness!

I created a total of 6 headbands today. I used 2 bows that I purchased from Walmart (the plain red + the cherries) and 4 smaller bows that I purchased from Dollar Tree, which came 2 to a pack. I used the white braided elastic ribbon for the smaller bows and the larger red elastic ribbon for the two larger bows. I made all 6 bows in under 20 minutes for a total cost of $7...WAYYYYY cheaper than I could ever buy them! 

Happy Crafting! 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

In the beginning it was hard, R E A L L Y hard. It was so hard in fact that I almost gave up about 2 months in. Then, it got easier and easier and easier, until one day it was like magic. Everything leveled out and it was a beautiful experience. I'm referring to breastfeeding. I have been breastfeeding Emerson for exactly 357 days. I am 8 days shy of one whole year. I say that not to boast in any way, but I NEVER thought I'd make it to this point. 

In my life, I've had some pretty great experiences. Like the 3 week backpacking tour I took across Europe with my high school senior class, or the missions trips I took to Peru and Africa throughout my years in high school and/or college. I got a car for my 16th birthday- that was pretty awesome! I met my husband at my best friend's wedding, and then went on to marry him two years later, of all things. Now, my wedding day, that was a spectacular day! It might be my favorite day of all time. It's tied for first with the day of Emerson's birth. Both days will forever be engrained in my memory. 

I will never forget the night I went into labor. Heck, I remember that like it was yesterday. I will never forget the look on Trey's face when he caught a glimpse of her for the very first time. I will never forget holding her immediately after she was born and hearing her cry for the first time. I was shaking, even my voice shook. I couldn't believe that on my chest was my CHILD. Then, there was the first time I ever fed my daughter from my body. It was awkward, at first, then it was amazing. How it was possible that I could produce enough milk to nourish my newborn baby was BEYOND me. It is like NOTHING else I've ever experienced. It was great for the first 2-3 days. Sure, I was sore, but overall I really had a good first experience with breastfeeding.

We came home from the hospital with this little baby girl and suddenly I was responsible for making sure that she was well-fed, and frequently, I might add. Talk about responsibility! My milk came in a day or so after we got home and that's when it started. The immense pain and engorgement was barely tolerable. I had so. much. milk and it hurt! I was ready to quit after just one week. I knew I wanted to breastfeed because it's "what's best for the baby", but amidst sleep deprivation, healing from delivery, AND extremely painful nursing sessions, I was exhausted and the first thing I was ready to give up was nursing. Trey begged me to keep going and to press forward, not in a condescending or mean-spirited way, but he ENCOURAGED me to keep going. He reassured me that in due time it would be well worth it, and that it would soon become a special time for Emerson and I. 

I'm so glad for his encouragement and that I chose to press onward. It's now almost exactly 12 months later, and I can say that every ounce of pain in the beginning was worth it. Every pumping session and middle of the night feed was worth it. Emerson has been weaning herself from nursing for the past few weeks. It's really, really sad for me. I have been holding back tears every night for a week. It has always been our nightly routine for me to nurse her, sing to her and then lay her down for the night. Starting a few nights ago, she would try to nurse, but would get frustrated and begin crying. I would try my best to comfort her, but I couldn't give her what she wanted..."milkies" (as I've called it). That night was probably one of the saddest nights I've had since her birth. It physically hurt my spirit that I couldn't nurse her that night. She just laid in my arms trying and sucking with all her might, but to no avail. I eventually had to give her a sippy cup with milk to calm her. I could no longer sustain her.

My mama heart ached that night. Since then, she has been doing similarly each night...trying and trying, but ultimately resorting to her sippy cup. I know the time is near; the time to stop this ritual that we've created. It has been time VERY well spent. I will never, ever in a million years regret my decision to breastfeed. Some of my sweetest memories with Emerson have happened in the rocking chair in her room where I nurse her. 

Holding onto mommy while nursing

As we slowly say good-bye to this phase of our mother-daughter relationship, I will always treasure the memories made with her during our nursing sessions together. From 10-12 sessions a day, down to just 1 now. I'm holding on to our last morning session as long as she'll have me. I will always remember how she stroked her head as she nursed to soothe herself. I will never forget how she would lovingly stare at me with those beautiful hazel eyes. I will cherish the times she dozed to sleep in my arms after nursing. I will relish the memories of just rocking her while she ate in the wee hours of the morning when all the world was still. I vow to keep the memories of our time together alive, just the two of us,  as long as I live because even though it was the worst of times to begin with, it has ended as the best of times.