Like Ships in the Night

It was an occasional bicker here and there. It was an infrequent "Not tonight babe, I'm just too tired". It was a rare thing for us to have tension before our baby was born. In fact, the 9-10 months leading up to Emerson's arrival were some of my favorite times together as husband and wife. We'd bond over just staring at my belly moving. We'd talk for hours about what she'd look like, sound like, act like. We would sing to her, and make things for her.  Then, she came. Everything we'd been hoping for and dreaming of was FINALLY here, or so we thought. Truth is, what she brought with her is something I'd never expected.

Arguments, long and brutal arguments. Too many "Not tonight babe, I'm just WAY too tired's" (both from an overworked husband and a new, exhausted momma). Resentment. Anger. Frustration. Crazy work schedules. Lack of time. Lack of friendships. All of those (and many more) are things that came along with having our beautiful daughter. Marriage after baby, though very joyful in many ways, has been H.A.R.D. Can anyone relate? This post has been a long time coming. The topic has been on my heart for a while, and I recently had two different friends come to me about the struggles they've had in their marriages since adding a baby (babies) to the mix, and it just seemed like an appropriate time to write about it, so here goes...

Marriage is awesome in a lot of ways, but marriage is also very difficult in other ways. Marriage with kids is a whole new level of tough. It's like a level in a video game (don't ask me how I know this) that is impossible to beat, yet you spend hours and hours and hours trying to beat it. Marriage post-baby is a lot more "work" than I anticipated. Apparently, that's not an uncommon thought amongst our married-with-kids friends. (I'd be willing to bet this rears its ugly head in every household with children at SOME point, but if you have managed to escape it, then share your secrets and keep on keepin' on!)

What gets me is why doesn't anyone talk about just how tough married life is going to be after you have a baby? Why doesn't anyone give advice on how to keep your marriage a priority after a little human being comes along? Why was I so clueless that keeping our romance alive was going to require so much additional work than before? Why do I always have so many questions?

Ironically, I made a "date night jar" while I was pregnant, and Trey + I agreed that we'd utilize it once Emerson arrived. I think I read an article somewhere about how life changes a lot when you have a baby. OHHHHH, clearly I didn't understand it then. We had never really needed a "date night" jar before Emerson arrived, because we were pretty good about being intentional with each other...usually. I like to think the jar was my way of preparing for "marriage post-baby". Ask me if we've ever used it. in the 13 months of her life. Yikes, that's actually embarrassing to admit (granted we have been on a few dates, just not using the jar). 

Here's the thing: My husband and I have always been pretty different, aside from both being extremely stubborn and competitive, we don't have a ton in common. He likes football, I could care less (except I do like watching Clemson-he rubbed off on me). He likes beer, I like wine. He likes working out, I do...not. He's extroverted, I'm more introverted. He hates projects, I love them. He works a lot, I parent a lot. He is rational, I tend to be more emotional. You get my point; we're very different. Our differences have never seemed to be too much of an issue until this year. Like lately, our differences seem really hard to navigate, as in a lot of times, they're all that I can see. Like when he comes home sweaty after working out at the gym ALONE for hours to me sweating equally as much, but only because I've been chasing a toddler the entire time he's been gone. Or how he likes to tell me about things that happen at work with various people, and I, in an effort to feel somewhat validated, respond with something related to what Emerson did or didn't do that day.

We try to connect once Emerson is in bed at night, but honestly half of the time I'm nodding with empathy as he describes his days/nights at work, thinking to myself how there's no way in H-E-double hockey sticks I can relate to what he's saying.  He claims he understands how overwhelmed I must get at times caring for Emerson around the clock when he works days and days and days (and nights) in a row, but does he really understand? He isn't here a majority of the time, therefore there's no way he truly understands, hard as he may try.  It's lonely being me sometimes. It's frustrating being me. It's exhausting being me. WOE IS ME!

And, I crave him. I crave him like never before. I desperately miss our marriage pre-baby days. I want us to feel connected, and I want us to spend alone time together every day, but the reality is that that simply isn't an option these days. Due to his work schedule and my consumption of all things Emerson-related, we have become independent of one another, somewhat unknowingly. Again the irony of it all is that in trying to do "what's best for our family", we've lost a big piece of us. Our responsibilities have shifted and our lives have segmented themselves past the point of daily connection. Of course, we meddle in each other's lives daily, but it's just not like it used to be. He will put Emerson to bed when he's home. He will play with her and feed her and bathe her, so that I can clean up, or cook, or catch half of a television show without interruption. But despite us supporting each other in our parenting efforts, we are still like two ships in the night, sailing right past one another. When we're together just the two of us, it's usually enjoyable, but we rarely engage one another on a deeper level; on a level that needs to be reached. Let's be real honest here, our "engaging" usually revolves around a quick dinner at the table, then a joint bowl of ice-cream and a 30 minute tv show. I'm not complaining about though, because that, is better than nothing. It's really something special when our phones aren't involved, too. Don't pretend...you know EXACTLY what I mean.

This all sounds so dramatic and so painfully pathetic. Truth is, while I'm not intending to be dramatic, it is just that. Raising babies and keeping two adult lives + a relationship in tact is not easy. It takes hard work. It takes real, nitty-gritty commitment. Sometimes that commitment means continuing to swim upstream, when all you want to do is float and cruise downstream. Kids or no kids, marriage requires two people loving each other for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD. Like I said, HARD WORK. I understand our marriage vows better now than I ever have before. So, thanks baby girl. ;)

I guess I wrote all of that to say, rest assured that if you feel like you are the "only one" that feels like your marriage is weak at the moment, or if you feel like you aren't doing enough, or if you feel like adding a baby was both the greatest and the worst thing you could've done to your relationship...you're not alone. One thing that I have learned since having a baby is that anytime I find myself feeling like "I'm the only one" that struggles with this or that, the opposite is  usually true. Nine times out of ten, God places someone or something in my path at exactly the right time to reassure me that indeed I am NOT alone in my fight. Sometimes, it's a friend (this has been especially true for me recently). Sometimes, it's a bible verse or a blog post/article. Sometimes, it's a stranger. And albeit, sometimes, it's my own spouse. You know, that one man that I pass in the night? Yeah, sometimes he's better for me than I ever thought possible. Even though we aren't always aboard the same ship, I know that amidst all the work craziness, the kid stuff, and the day-to-day, we are traveling the same direction, we just have to be intentional about arriving there together.