I am having one of those days where I throw myself a pity-party. Maybe it's the fact that I broke one of my favorite candles + picture frames this morning, or it could be all the rain. ALL THE GODFORSAKEN RAIN! I have been cooped up in the house with my 1 year old now for close to a week. I mean, we've gone to the store, for a quick (misty) walk, and to my parent's a time or two, but we've pretty much spent 75% of our time inside our house for the last week. I think it has caused me to lose my mind, just a little. Don't get me wrong, I love a good rainy day or two, or at least I used to. Now that I have a child, rainy days aren't so great. It basically means no outside time, no walks, no in-and-out of the car multiple times if we need to run errands. Okay, that last one is only semi-true, but it's incredibly more cumbersome to get a 1 year old (or kids of any age still requiring a carseat) in and out of the car when it's raining. I attempted it the other day, and I'm still regretting it. By the time we got home, I looked like a scene out of a scary movie: hair stuck to my face-no point in using frizz control this time, mud all over my pant legs, a soaking wet diaper bag, and let's not forget the tearful child, who's puffs got carried away by the wind. Lord help us all.
I have to be honest, I still struggle from time-to-time with this whole 'mommy hood' thing. I can hear the veteran mom's now: "oh honey, you will struggle from now until the day you die". Noted...thanks. I clearly expect struggle with this role I've been blessed with. YES, I said blessed. But Chelsea, aren't you writing about how much you are struggling with being a mom? I have friends that would literally give anything to be in my position. I don't intend to be malicious towards those friends or towards anyone who is just head over heels in love with motherhood. I'm sure there are some of you that couldn't imagine life without your little ones. Neither can I, only sometimes I can, selfishly. I think that's normal, though. I have to remind myself that when I start resenting my husband for having "a life outside the house", or when I start to become overwhelmed by the amount of housework that needs to be done, or when I simply start missing my days of independence (you know, the ones where the only person you really were responsible for was yourself), I have to snap out of it. On days (or weeks) like these, it is so easy for me to wish away the time or to get lost in a time that will probably never be again. It is so easy for me to just want to leave the house and run away, far, far away. I obviously would never do that, especially not without Emerson. See, I'm already thinking about her and this is supposed to be a post about how sometimes I wish I didn't have to think about her. Don't judge me, you know you've had a similar thought at least once since having a baby.
I think mom's who stay home, and mom's who work have struggles. I do not think they have all of the same struggles, but they have struggles no doubt. Recently, I have really been jealous of my former self. How I have wished these past few days, that I could sleep in, watch endless amounts of mindless television, (can't believe I'm saying this, but) GO TO WORK, or even shop without having to rely on puffs + Barney, on my iPhone as a saving grace. (Don't even get me started on the Barney thing...she loves that giant purple dinosaur and his annoyingly catchy songs). I find myself wondering "what would I be doing if...". Those thoughts tend to be dangerous for me. I don't resent my daughter in the least, or the choice I made to stay home with her. I am, however, a human being with real emotions, some of which lean on the side of jealousy. Jealousy of others, jealousy of my former self, jealousy of my husband/other working people because they get to be with other adults on a daily basis, jealousy of the seemingly easy-going spirit of other moms out there. You name it, I've probably been jealous of it (unless it relates to the loss of sleep, then I'm definitely not jealous).
So, all of that to say, if you feel like mommy hood isn't always all it's cracked up to be, then you're probably feeling like most every other mom out there. Some days it just sucks being "mom" (note I didn't say "a mom"). Some days you just want to be "Chelsea" (insert your name there). Some days you get jealous of your spouse and his/her ability to come and go as they please because the little human is not as desperately attached to them (love you babe, really!!). And some days, you just want to remember what it's like to be without responsibility...just for a little while. THAT'S OKAY. You're not alone and you know what, the more you share your feelings, the less likely you are to get lost in them. At least, that's how it is for me. Y'all know I'm all about putting things out in the open.
I feel better already. Maybe I have time for lunch, now that it's 3pm. Who am I kidding? It's pouring down rain + it's looking like a dang tor-nada outside, so I've got the rest of the day to eat. Ha, again I kid, my child will want me to share anything that I try to consume. I guess you could say, she's helping me watch my weight. ;) Stay dry...
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