It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

In the beginning it was hard, R E A L L Y hard. It was so hard in fact that I almost gave up about 2 months in. Then, it got easier and easier and easier, until one day it was like magic. Everything leveled out and it was a beautiful experience. I'm referring to breastfeeding. I have been breastfeeding Emerson for exactly 357 days. I am 8 days shy of one whole year. I say that not to boast in any way, but I NEVER thought I'd make it to this point. 

In my life, I've had some pretty great experiences. Like the 3 week backpacking tour I took across Europe with my high school senior class, or the missions trips I took to Peru and Africa throughout my years in high school and/or college. I got a car for my 16th birthday- that was pretty awesome! I met my husband at my best friend's wedding, and then went on to marry him two years later, of all things. Now, my wedding day, that was a spectacular day! It might be my favorite day of all time. It's tied for first with the day of Emerson's birth. Both days will forever be engrained in my memory. 

I will never forget the night I went into labor. Heck, I remember that like it was yesterday. I will never forget the look on Trey's face when he caught a glimpse of her for the very first time. I will never forget holding her immediately after she was born and hearing her cry for the first time. I was shaking, even my voice shook. I couldn't believe that on my chest was my CHILD. Then, there was the first time I ever fed my daughter from my body. It was awkward, at first, then it was amazing. How it was possible that I could produce enough milk to nourish my newborn baby was BEYOND me. It is like NOTHING else I've ever experienced. It was great for the first 2-3 days. Sure, I was sore, but overall I really had a good first experience with breastfeeding.

We came home from the hospital with this little baby girl and suddenly I was responsible for making sure that she was well-fed, and frequently, I might add. Talk about responsibility! My milk came in a day or so after we got home and that's when it started. The immense pain and engorgement was barely tolerable. I had so. much. milk and it hurt! I was ready to quit after just one week. I knew I wanted to breastfeed because it's "what's best for the baby", but amidst sleep deprivation, healing from delivery, AND extremely painful nursing sessions, I was exhausted and the first thing I was ready to give up was nursing. Trey begged me to keep going and to press forward, not in a condescending or mean-spirited way, but he ENCOURAGED me to keep going. He reassured me that in due time it would be well worth it, and that it would soon become a special time for Emerson and I. 

I'm so glad for his encouragement and that I chose to press onward. It's now almost exactly 12 months later, and I can say that every ounce of pain in the beginning was worth it. Every pumping session and middle of the night feed was worth it. Emerson has been weaning herself from nursing for the past few weeks. It's really, really sad for me. I have been holding back tears every night for a week. It has always been our nightly routine for me to nurse her, sing to her and then lay her down for the night. Starting a few nights ago, she would try to nurse, but would get frustrated and begin crying. I would try my best to comfort her, but I couldn't give her what she wanted..."milkies" (as I've called it). That night was probably one of the saddest nights I've had since her birth. It physically hurt my spirit that I couldn't nurse her that night. She just laid in my arms trying and sucking with all her might, but to no avail. I eventually had to give her a sippy cup with milk to calm her. I could no longer sustain her.

My mama heart ached that night. Since then, she has been doing similarly each night...trying and trying, but ultimately resorting to her sippy cup. I know the time is near; the time to stop this ritual that we've created. It has been time VERY well spent. I will never, ever in a million years regret my decision to breastfeed. Some of my sweetest memories with Emerson have happened in the rocking chair in her room where I nurse her. 

Holding onto mommy while nursing

As we slowly say good-bye to this phase of our mother-daughter relationship, I will always treasure the memories made with her during our nursing sessions together. From 10-12 sessions a day, down to just 1 now. I'm holding on to our last morning session as long as she'll have me. I will always remember how she stroked her head as she nursed to soothe herself. I will never forget how she would lovingly stare at me with those beautiful hazel eyes. I will cherish the times she dozed to sleep in my arms after nursing. I will relish the memories of just rocking her while she ate in the wee hours of the morning when all the world was still. I vow to keep the memories of our time together alive, just the two of us,  as long as I live because even though it was the worst of times to begin with, it has ended as the best of times.