Mommin' Ain't Easy

In my 28 years on this earth, never have I learned more about myself than in the past 18 months. My daughter, Emerson just turned 18 months old {young} recently, and it has made me reflect on my time as a mom thus far. If you've followed me for any decent amount of time, you probably are familiar with the concept that mommy-dom was not {and still sometimes isn't} my thing. Motherhood has never been "easy" for me. Some moms just love every moment of motherhood and all that it encompasses. For me though, I still have days where motherhood just isn't all I thought it would be. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that Emerson will be my daughter and require my supervision {in one way or another} for the rest of her life.

You know that song that says "Hello Mr. Brightside"? Yeah, that's not me. See, I can readily admit that I don't always look on the bright side, or find the joy in certain moments. I'm not even sure I'm a glass half-full type of person, as I like to pretend that I am. I like to try to be positive, but I'd be lying if I said that I am a "positive person" all the time. Some folks just have a sunny disposition, and while I do think that I have a sunny personality, I don't always know how to tap into it, especially when the going gets tough.

Motherhood for me has been joy and pain, tears and laughter, anxiety and peace. It's been days or months of  immense weakness followed by weeks of great strength. I can't explain it, but motherhood has changed me, as I'm sure it's changed you as well. I have learned more about myself in the past 18 months through the mere fact that "mommin' ain't easy", but it's life changing. Maybe you can identify with some of my most life-changing revelations over the past 18 months.

1. Before Emerson I lived life for ME. After Emerson, my needs came second to hers and suddenly "ME" wasn't so important, or so I thought. I have learned over the past 18 months that while she, of course, is my priority, I must put myself first. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. As cliché as it is, I very much mean it. For a long time, I did not put my needs and wants as a priority and my mental + physical health suffered because of it. I did not take care of myself, and I did not take time to be ME, Chelsea, the one that existed before Emerson. Now that I've learned the importance of that, I know what a difference it can make long-term. Mama's, if you hear nothing else I say today, hear this: Take care of YOU! Even if that means a 5 minute shower in the middle of the day or a Coke Zero at the grocery store just because you feel like having one. If it is going to make you feel like a better mama + woman, do it. You deserve it one thousand times over. I deprived myself of personal happiness for far too long and it was my greatest mistake thus far in this motherhood journey {through I'm sure something will come along to top it eventually}.

2. Before Emerson I did not need much help from other people, aside from the Lord. I was {and still very much am} a very self-sufficient woman. I am confident and I am not easily swayed. I stand firm in my beliefs and I don't need others to feel secure with myself. After Emerson, I continued to not ask for help, and you know where that got me? Overwhelmed and exhausted. It made me question my every move, especially related to child-rearing. I googled WAY to much and I didn't trust myself anymore. So, another very valuable lesson that I have finally started to learn just recently is that {as wonderful as they are} parenting books, the internet, Siri, my mom or even husband, NO ONE can tell me how I have to mother. That is an innate part of me that God created + He knew what he was doing.  I AM her mother and the Lord has equipped me with everything I need to care for her. I have learned that He will not give me anything more than I can handle, even when it feels like I'm at my breaking point.

3. Before Emerson, I never really felt the need to compare myself to other people. Sure, I dealt with typical female insecurities from time to time, but overall I wouldn't say that was a major struggle for me. After Emerson, not only did I compare myself to others physically, but I compared my mothering to others. After having Emerson, I was very quick to judge other moms based on their parenting style.  Yikes, that's kind of hard to admit to you guys. I would never outwardly judge someone, but in my heart I knew it was happening. After Emerson, I compared my lifestyle to other people's lifestyles. I compared my husband to other husbands with kids. I compared my baby to other babies. I pretty much was playing the comparison game like it was my job. I have learned, mostly just recently, that comparison truly is the thief of joy. It comes to steal and devour, and oh, how it has done that to me numerous times. I honestly believe that it deprived me of some of the most precious moments in my adult life. I have been preaching to myself daily the importance of contentment and gratitude for what we have and how great we have it. Sure, I struggle with all kinds of things, but in reality, most of those are so trivial when looking at the big picture. I strive now to check myself when I find my mind wandering to all of the "if only's". I quite literally have to check myself before I wreck myself when it comes to this.

Before Emerson I took for granted the time that we're given in this life, thinking that my time here is infinite. Except, it's not. After Emerson, every day, no matter how terrific, or mundane or frustrating is a gift from God. I, my friends, am a gigantic work in progress and I believe I have Emerson to thank for that. Because of her life, I am learning to appreciate the days when nothing goes right. I am learning to laugh when things don't happen as planned. {As a control freak, that last one is VERY hard for me}. I am learning to appreciate my journey in motherhood instead of comparing it to everyone else's. It's so easy to compare, like I mentioned above, but I am learning to trust that mama knows best, and heck, sometimes daddy might know a thing or two as well. I am learning that in order to be a good mother, I also need to be a good wife. I am learning that even when I dislike my role of "mom" for a moment, it is the greatest blessing I've ever received. God chose me to be her mom and I will never be able to thank him enough for using her life to forever change mine. He never said mommin' would be easy, but He did promise it would be worth it.

Can you relate? XO!