My journey into motherhood started roughly 2.5 years ago. {I included pregnancy in that estimate because I became a mother from the moment Emerson was created in my womb, in my opinion}. Pregnancy, for me, was nothing short of amazing. I honestly cannot complain about anything. The only real trouble I ran into, which really doesn't even seem like trouble compared to so many others out there, was that I had Placenta Previa, meaning the baby's placenta partially or totally covers the opening in the mothers cervix, which can cause severe bleeding and often requires cesarean delivery, without option of vaginal delivery. Thankfully, mine healed itself at 38 weeks. Aside from the very normal exhaustion and food aversions {coffee for me- I know, it was sad!}, I was healthy, active, and enjoyed being pregnant very much {well up until I went beyond my due date-ha!}. I had a quick + relatively easy delivery, especially for it being my first baby. Everything was going according to plan, just how I like life...to follow a plan, a schedule, a routine. Thankfully, in the end, God knows me better than I know myself.
The first week with Emerson, overall, was great. I was exhausted and sore, but I loved being a new mom. Then, reality set in. Milk came in {ow}, nursing started going haywire, I didn't know when or how to pump, I wasn't sleeping much, Emerson cried a lot, Trey worked all the time, everything was supposed to be able to be answered with Google {B I G mistake}. When I couldn't figure something out with the baby, I felt like a failure. I wasn't teaching full-time anymore which had brought great routine to my life, so I now felt lazy for wanting to do nothing when the baby did sleep. I was losing my mind. Depression set it fairly early on without me really recognizing it. I was miserable. I withdrew from my friends. I withdrew from my husband. I withdrew from my baby. I had a horrible self-consciousness about my body, which made me extremely uncomfortable because I've never really struggled with that before. My life as I'd known it to that point was completely over. I often regretted the choice to expand our family because I felt like life was over for me. My only role now was 'mom" and I didn't like it one bit. There was no "Chelsea" left, or so I thought.
After several months of MANY, MANY tears and inward struggles, I hit a point where I knew that if I didn't start living life at least a little bit for ME again, it would be over. I think what really did it for me was having a conversation with my husband where he told me that I had turned so negative. He said that I didn't look at life like I used to and I didn't follow through with things like I once did. That was like a dagger to the heart. I did NOT like being told that I didn't follow through on stuff, because well, that just isn't me at all. Also, to be frank, he pissed me off and set a fire under my butt {maybe that was his ultimate goal? haha}. At first, I just wanted to prove him wrong + prove to myself that I still WAS ME, so I took a job {which I referenced in a recent post} and it gave me some motivation. It got me out of the house and away from the baby for a little while a couple times a week, which {new moms} helps clear your head and it really does bring you some sanity. Over time, it ignited passion in me again. I began blogging again, too. On my blog, I began sharing more and more of my struggles, especially as they related to motherhood. I began receiving feedback from others who shared with me that they had fought so many of the same battles. Finally, I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. I felt like my negativity {which was definitely a large breeding ground for resentment + anger for a while} was taking an upward turn. I blogged on and off as an outlet for a while, mostly doing it whenever I felt the urge. Then, I just decided that enough was enough. The only person that could change the direction of my attitude, and ultimately my life was me {with Jesus' help, of course}. I read this quote recently which really hit home, "The very best thing you can do for the world is to make the most of yourself."
I made the choice to pursue blogging more intentionally. I decided to work on house projects, read, work outside, exercise {*shocking*}, etc during free time instead of laying around watching tv or cleaning obsessively. {I clean when I have nothing else to do, it's a blessing and a curse}. The more down time I have, the less productive I feel, though I am trying to learn the art of "resting" without it feeling like pure laziness.
Just a couple of months ago I made the decision to say YES more. Yes to more play dates with Emerson. Yes to opportunities with my blog. Yes to home projects I've been wanting to tackle. Yes to showing love to my husband more. Yes to going to the gym regularly. Yes to playing with Emerson more without distractions {mostly my phone or the tv}. Yes to pursing some opportunities that allow me to use my creative side, while also reaching the "teacher" in me. Saying 'YES' has been freeing for me. It's not easy for me to always say YES because even though I have no problem talking to strangers {or writing to them}, I like being alone. I like solitude and quiet. I don't NEED other people all the time to thrive. Me + God are working on getting me outside of my comfort zone on that one. Anyway, ultimately I've been working on not being afraid. Saying yes, though often very frightening for me, has changed my attitude dramatically. I am not the same person {as a mother, wife, or individual} that I was even 6 months ago. God is using all of the difficult times throughout the past year to change me and mold me, and ultimately, I think use me. As I mentioned recently, I don't know why I've been burdened {in a good way} with this blog suddenly, but I have and I know God is at work. I have been more excited the past month about MY life and the direction it's heading than I have been in a long time. I'm just so excited that God is using my fears to bring me to a new place. A place where I have the freedom to not be silent. The freedom to not be afraid anymore, and the freedom to keep on speaking. It's giving me life and I'm so, so, so excited about it.
P.S.S. I've added a new board on Pinterest called "A Little Thrifty Chic" that links directly to photos, articles, and tutorials on this blog. Would love it if all of you Pinterest lovers you would go follow it to help spread the word! Thanks!
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