For anyone that is questioning my post title today, it is with good reason. You may have thought, "Chelsea is feeling unappreciated?" or "Oh, I totally need to read this because I AM an unappreciated mom". I would venture to say that both of those are true actually, but the post is titled as it is because the article I reference today is titled "A Screwtape Letter for the Unappreciated Mom". If you're unfamiliar with the book The Screwtape Letters, then this article may be a little odd to you. I borrowed the following explanation about the book from an online source (here). The Screwtape Letters are written in the form of letters. The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis is an amusing and insightful correspondence between a senior devil, Screwtape, and his incompetent nephew, Wormwood, a "young fiend." All of the letters are from Screwtape to Wormwood, and the subject of the correspondence is a human being, newly converted to Christianity, whom Screwtape refers to as "the patient." Throughout the correspondence, Screwtape tries to help Wormwood tempt the patient away from Heaven and into Hell. He encourages his nephew's successes, suggests various and devious ways to enter the man's thoughts and influence him.
The article referenced today is a letter written similar to those in Lewis' book. It is written from Screwtape to his nephew, Wormwood and it's all about how "a tired Mom makes for a more emotional Mom, and an emotional Mom is a vulnerable one", hence able to be easily swayed in her thoughts and actions.
In the letter, Screwtape addresses the marriage. "First, aim your best efforts at her marriage.
As you know, we cannot do much with a unified marriage. Luckily for us, a cranky and exhausted wife can do wonders to change that. We must convince her that her husband is no longer the friend and ally she first married. Instead, we must reveal every sin and selfish habit, especially drawing attention to his thoughtless actions (mal-intended or not) against her." How true this is, my friends! I have been guilty of this very thought pattern. I have been beyond exhausted, and "cranky" is putting it nicely. I have been way too good at pinpointing my husbands every flaw and calling him out on it. I have learned this is not effective, but ohhh it's a very real way that Satan hunts me down and snakes his way in.
Secondly, do what you can to keep her focused on her troubles and pains. Remind her how much her back aches, how draining the children were all day, and how many undone tasks still beckon her. Do not let her wonder what difficulties her husband faced that day or whether his back might also be aching. Valuing others above oneself is one of those silly, though strangely effective, tactics of the Enemy.Along those lines, be sure the Mother starts to value productivity above everything else. Have her wake up early and work non-stop until bedtime. Convince her that as long as there is a shred of work to be done (and there always is), no one should be resting. Then, as she folds and sweeps and he sits, you can introduce the sweet bitterness of resentment. This may come as no surprise, but I'm especially guilty of this. I am ALWAYS feeling the need to DO something. I get so (inwardly, but sometimes outwardly too) annoyed when Trey gets to just sit and I have to clean this, or fold that, or pick up those things. I fail to realize that he works near every day of the week for 12-24 hrs. at a time. Granted, I do too, but it's different. I'm with our daughter all the time, while he's not. He's missing out on quite a bit and I know he would change that if he could. I do not give him the credit he deserves. He works not one, but TWO jobs so that I can stay home with her. He works ungodly hours so that we don't have to put our daughter in daycare 40+ hours a week (nothing against those that have to do that). He can be selfish, but I would argue that he's much more selfLESS than I most times. He and I have discussed my resentment towards him on numerous occasions. It seems from reading the article that 9 times out of 10, I bring the resentment on myself. Funny, how that works.
Remember, the love of a husband can be dangerous to our cause. If he senses her unhappiness, he may begin to help or (even worse) show her affection. True story from just the other night. Trey had worked a 12 hour shift at the hospital and it had been a fairly easy day for me at home with Emerson. After she went to bed around 7, I made dinner for us (ashamedly, something that has not been a common phenomenon lately). He was to get off at 8. Dinner was ready before he got home, so I ate and I had it all ready for him to eat as soon as he walked through the door. It was a new recipe and I was so excited for him to try it, let alone see that I had actually made dinner. He got home around 9p and I presented him with his dinner after he sat down. His first words, "Ew, is this red pepper?" Strike 1. Followed by, "And babe, why did you put mango in this?" Strike 2. "I don't like any of this stuff." Strike 3. My quick, non-thought out response (now highly annoyed because I'd just spent the past hour making dinner for him only to have him nit pick it before even trying it), "Just eat the damn food, Trey." Ouch, probably not the best choice of words on my part. This made him highly agitated and he took his bowl and went in the other room. That was our night. The silence was present for a while, but eventually it just kind of passed and we moved on, after, of course, I voiced why that had upset me and unprompted he cleaned the entire kitchen and sink full of dirty dishes. This just goes to show that actions speak far louder than words.
Now, onto the children. Lovely little opportunities for us, the children, especially the little ones. We must convince her that the obnoxious little people she has charge of are not really worth her sacrifice. When the Mother first dreamed of having children, she probably imagined large, innocent eyes and chubby, happy grins taking up the majority of her days. Do your best to shatter those expectations. Instead, draw attention to how much they take from her. Let them take and take and take… And need and need and need, until the Mother feels totally spent... Do your best to make the day-to-day monotony of diaper changes, meals, and baths seem simultaneously overwhelming and beneath her. Let her think of all the better, more important things she could be doing with her life, if only she didn’t have the children. Like a knife, this cut me...deep. I have been guilty of feeling like everything I do for Emerson is (somehow) beneath me. That I, an educated woman, am stuck here tending to poopy diapers and playing on the floor day in and day out. I could be doing so much more, like shopping or creating DIY projects, or teaching little minds. You know, important stuff! How can caring for my "obnoxious little person" compare to all of that. OH, how the Lord has been changing my heart. I have just recently realized the value of my presence in her life. She needs me more than I can possibly imagine. She relies on me for everything...literally. I am her sustainer at the present moment. I am teaching her to become a valuable part of God's creation. I am responsible for her well-being as long as she's present on this Earth and there is NOTHING that could possibly compare to that. NOTHING.
Now, onto the children. Lovely little opportunities for us, the children, especially the little ones. We must convince her that the obnoxious little people she has charge of are not really worth her sacrifice. When the Mother first dreamed of having children, she probably imagined large, innocent eyes and chubby, happy grins taking up the majority of her days. Do your best to shatter those expectations. Instead, draw attention to how much they take from her. Let them take and take and take… And need and need and need, until the Mother feels totally spent... Do your best to make the day-to-day monotony of diaper changes, meals, and baths seem simultaneously overwhelming and beneath her. Let her think of all the better, more important things she could be doing with her life, if only she didn’t have the children. Like a knife, this cut me...deep. I have been guilty of feeling like everything I do for Emerson is (somehow) beneath me. That I, an educated woman, am stuck here tending to poopy diapers and playing on the floor day in and day out. I could be doing so much more, like shopping or creating DIY projects, or teaching little minds. You know, important stuff! How can caring for my "obnoxious little person" compare to all of that. OH, how the Lord has been changing my heart. I have just recently realized the value of my presence in her life. She needs me more than I can possibly imagine. She relies on me for everything...literally. I am her sustainer at the present moment. I am teaching her to become a valuable part of God's creation. I am responsible for her well-being as long as she's present on this Earth and there is NOTHING that could possibly compare to that. NOTHING.
Finally, the letter ends with Screwtape writing to Wormwood about how he needs to be sure to make her look to her husband for worth and affirmation. Then, when he lets her down (as he is sure to do), she will be ours to torment. This is hard. I can't tell you how many times daily I look to my husband to fulfill some need, want, or desire. It is not his responsibility (though he does play a significant part) to insure that I am fulfilled as a child of Christ. I still find it difficult to rely solely on Christ for fulfillment. Trey will never be able to give me the desires of my heart. He may make a dent in some of them, but he doesn't even know half of them. Only Christ does and only He can fill the depths of my soul where my deepest yearnings dwell.
Are you convicted yet? I surely was. I hope that you took (or will take) the time to read the linked article as it is far more convicting than my post here. I just hope that some of you can resonate with these points and that they cause you to reevaluate some areas of your life, as they have for me.
Until next time...
I took word for word excerpts from the linked article above and give full credit to the author of the article for the valid points made within. I take no credit for anything written in italic print above.
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