Livin' on a Prayer

"oooooohhhh we're halfway there...ohhhh whoaaa living' on a prayer! Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear. WHOooAA livin' on a prayer."

You know that song, right? Of course you do because everyone knows that song. I can't help but be reminded of it when I think about how our baby girl is 6 months old (as of yesterday). That's half of a year! How did that happen? I vividly remember holding her in my arms for the very first time and it seems like it was just yesterday. Everyone told me that time would fly, but good grief! SO, SO much has happened since Emerson's birth that I can't even begin to go into it. From postpartum depression to starting a new job to learning the ever-changing ropes of motherhood to readjusting to life as a family of 3 instead of just 2; it's been a while ride so far, to say the least. However hard it's been though, I wouldn't necessarily wish to change it. I have grown so much as a person and I have learned things about myself that I didn't even know existed. In the past 6 months, I have done more changing than ever before. For instance, I had no idea how selfish I was both as an individual and as a wife. Having a baby has made me think about myself and my husband (and our family) in a totally different light. I also never realized how anal retentive I actually am until I had a baby. People warned me that I should just "let go" of things prior to having Em because my whole world would change with a baby present in it. While that's absolutely happened, I still am holding on to many of my pre-baby ways. I have just had to learn how to prioritize in ways I never had to before. I have also learned that I am terrible at managing my time when I don't have a "busy" schedule (disclaimer: being a mom keeps me plenty busy); "busy' here meaning pre-planned day to day. When I was teaching I had very little down time, so my OCD wasn't as obvious to me on a daily basis. BUT NOW, it's so very obvious and so very, very annoying to me (yes, I annoy myself). I've really been trying to curb my ways in order to keep from driving myself and everyone else crazy.

The most important thing that I've learned since entering motherhood though is true, undying love. I have never loved someone or something so fiercely. I never fully understood how a mom would say that her child is like having "her heart walking around outside her body", but that's the perfect description. I feel like a part of me is walking  wiggling around outside of me, as in like a physical part of me has been removed and is dangling right in front of my eyes and I have very little control as to what happens to it (her). Every night that I put Emerson to bed, I pray for her. I pray protection over her. I pray for good rest for her and us. I pray that God continues to grow her strong and healthy. I pray that He provides warmth and comfort to her during the night when I cannot. Some nights it physically pains me how much I love her, so much so that when I kiss her each night right before I leave her room, sometimes it takes every ounce of my being to keep walking towards the door instead of scooping her back up in my arms. I used to dread her waking up from a nap or waking up in the middle of the night to eat because that meant that MY time was over, but truth be told, now I miss it. I miss it really badly and I wish I would've cherished those times more when they were happening. I find myself staring at pictures or videos of her when she was just itty bitty and I hardly remember those days. I stare at pictures of her while she sleeps in the other room and I can't believe how unbelievably precious she truly is. I try to recall what days were like when she was just so new to this world, but all I have are hard to think about memories. I keep the monitor close by me always because I want to be there for her when she wakes. I want to listen to her talk to herself in her crib and stare at the little orange light on the monitor. I want to see her smile as soon as I open her door after a nap. I want to pick her up and kiss her squishy cheeks 50 times over.  It took me nearly 6 months to get to this place and I'm not going to pretend that every day is all smiles and happiness, because honestly, most days aren't, but I have learned to "roll with the punches" the best that I can and I have learned (the hard way) that I am not in control. I have made the decision to just be her mommy. I can't keep her from crying or hurting or sleeping (or...the list goes on and on). All I can do is love her to the best of my ability and that is enough.

I have been made bluntly aware of the love that Father has for me. It wasn't until Emerson came along that I truly understood. I absolutely cannot imagine willingly giving up my child for everyone else in the world. To put her through pain and suffering for people that don't deserve an ounce of love or forgiveness. That's unfathomable, but He did just that. I'm so grateful for the opportunity of being a mother, her mother at that. I know (both personally and in general) so many who desire a child and I pray God hears their cry because I have known NO greater love in this life than the love that I have for my daughter. I may not be the greatest mom in the world (I'm certain of that) and I still have so many flaws that need work both as a mom and a wife, but I am so thankful that God is using motherhood to change me for the better. I can think of no better way to bring about change than through being Emerson's mommy.