Wine with Me

Hey friends! It's been a hot minute and for that I apologize. We've had a lot going on. If you follow me on Instagram, you already know all about it, so I'll spare you the details. Regardless, I'm here tonight to hopefully make you laugh + cheers to children's bedtimes across the land.

Toddlers! Two year olds to be more specific. They're little jerks. They are awesome one minute + a HOT MESS of annoyance the next. God bless 'em. Let's see, where should I begin? My daughter, Emerson will be two at the end of August and she is hell on freaking wheels lately {the good Lord decided to send the terrible two's a little early, I'm assuming. I'll be sure to thank Him for that when I reach the pearly gates}. You've probably heard me mention before how well she talks for her age, and I say that not in a "my kid is so awesome" way, but a "hey, it's not always all it's cracked up to be" way. Most people tell me how fabulous it is that she's talks so well, and while I do agree, it has also made this phase of life extremely trying. The girl knows too many words for her own good. She can be hilarious and darling. She is gorgeous and random and she adores babies and puppies. Don't try to take hers though because she'll scream "myyyyyy'ssss" at you until she's blue in the face. Yes, "MY's", not mine. Hey, at least she's not saying "mines". {I used to tell my students that mines were underground, so I claimed to never know what they were referring to when they said "mines is blue" or whatever the case may have been.} Anyway, I digress. You'll learn in a minute that I'm fueled up on a glass of wine and very little dinner already, so bear with me.

Emerson hasn't been napping too great this week. We think she's getting another molar. Those stupid, stupid, stupid molars. Sure, other teeth cause problems, but the molars, man. If they weren't essential, I'd rip out every last one. So, she woke up from her nap today {but really for the past 3 days} crying pretty hard. Usually, she's happy go lucky after a nap. I should've anticipated the fury that consumed her from thence forth. The hours of 3:15-7:30pm today were nothing short of exhausting, infuriating, and at some points hilarious. Am I the only one that has a hard time keeping a straight face during a ridiculously overdramatic toddler tantrum? I absolutely cannot handle the drama. It's almost better than the Bachelorette cliff hanger from this week. Ugh. #TeamLuke

First, it was that she didn't want me to change her sopping wet, nearly dragging the floor diaper after her nap. Then, it was the fact that her cup only had a 1/4 cup of milk and not a full cup. Then, I'm pretty sure I repeated the phrase "Emerson, throw it one more time and you'll get a spanking". I gave a good many spankings today. I usually don't issue them very often, at all. Please don't sanctimony me on that either; we believe in spanking for deliberate disobedience. Anyway, she literally threw two ENTIRE dog bowls full of food all over my kitchen after having been told {and spanked} for doing it before. Then, she got mad because I wouldn't sit beside her WHILE I was cooking HER dinner. Then, it was that she wanted more broccoli because the entire cup she had wasn't enough apparently. So, being the awesome mom I am, I made her more broccoli {which I didn't realize wasn't the steam-in-the-bag kind-CURSE YOU FROZEN FOODS THAT REQUIRE EXTRA SUPPLIES}, only to have it thrown on the floor and have her demand grapes instead. I mean they are both green, so maybe she was confused. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt because quite frankly I have no energy left for much else. As you'll see below, my dinner was essentially grapes too...just smushed and fermented. Ha!

After her "dinner", which consisted of like 1 bite of chicken, 4 grapes, and a couple florets of broccoli, it was nearly bath time. Praise the GOOD LORD. Though, now she didn't want me to take off her diaper. Ohhhhhhh, the irony of the toddler brain. Finally, I turned a chase around the house into a tickle fest that eventually ended with a naked child. Bath time was successful, but fear not, it was short lived. She ran to her room soaking wet after I took her out, and grabbed her Elsa doll {the one with wayyy too much hair for a doll} and dunked her in the tub only then to sling her around the bathroom sending bath water in all directions. Y'all, I can't make this up.

Finally, Elsa had to "finish her bath" and Emerson "brushed her teeth". Brushing teeth these days basically means turning the faucet on fifty-eleven times so that she can get her toothbrush wet, and "spit". I do love when she spits, except for the fact that she's so small that she has never actually reached the sink in her line of fire. More mess for mom, YAY! Surprisingly, pajamas and bedtime went smoothly. I think ole girl exhausted herself today. I know she just about killed me. I'm on glass number 2 of wine. Don't judge...you know you've been there. So, how was your day?