Growing Where You Are Planted

Grow where you are planted.

You've heard the phrase a thousand and one times. It's an inspiring quote that is so applicable to motherhood and marriage, yet nearly impossible to implement, it seems. I have been stewing over it for the past week or so, unable to shake the application to my life lately.

Life is hard, but just because it can be hard doesn't mean it's bad. {Another great phrase} Let's compare it to motherhood, shall we?

Carefree, living's easy {relatively} and you're not responsible for anyone but yourself. Then, you become a mother. Life changes instantly. Life gets hard. Damn hard. It can appear as though it's all bad in the moment, but it's not, or so I've had to convince myself on numerous occasions.  I don't need to go into detail about all of the ways that children change our lives. I think we can all agree that it just happens {to varying degrees for different people}. For me, it was like being hit by a mack truck, but that's a story for another day. For some, it's utter joy. For others, entering motherhood is a long-awaited journey now filled with hope and  fulfilled desires. For many, it's suffering and for few, it's devastating. Yet, motherhood has a way of growing you. Changing you. Bettering you by often breaking you down.

We are a selfish people. FULL OF OURSELVES, actually. Motherhood changes all of that. Not to say that moms shouldn't be a little selfish at times {hello, I still need a couple hours a day to myself or to pee alone}, but having children {biological or not} changes you as a woman. Your needs are no longer the top priority most days. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially as a new mama, though I'd imagine it's equally as hard being the Duggar mom too. I'm now at the {almost} two year mark into motherhood, not including pregnancy. You know what, let's include pregnancy because that whole phase isn't easy either, so almost three years. Okay, three years in and here's what I've learned about growing and changing:

Growth is gradual, it's not instant.

Growth is intentional.

Growth is life-changing.

Growth is progress, even when many times it feels like defeat.

Growth is hard.

Growth takes work and is often most visible in times of weakness.

Growth is necessary.

As a mother, I have certainly evolved. I am far less uptight than I was even 6 months ago. I have learned the importance of letting go and letting God {though I'm still a control freak, so I'm a continual work in progress here}. I have accepted that some days just suck and that's just how it is; it doesn't mean I'm a horrible mother or that I have the worst child on the planet. It just means that my perspective and my attitude have a lot of control on just how sucky I allow the day to be. I have learned that discipline is far more difficult than I imagined and it is required far sooner than I'd anticipated. I've learned that loving someone so immensely is both invigorating and exhausting. I've learned that true quality time with my spouse is invaluable. I've learned that just when you've figured out one thing, life throws another curve ball in there. Nothing about motherhood is easy, except maybe accepting that growth is going to happen and sometimes in the unlikeliest of ways.

Two years ago, I had a baby and my husband started a second job. He worked non-stop {and I mothered non-stop}. I was bitter. I was full of resentment and fear. I felt alone. I was not in a good place as a woman or as a wife. I was actively trying to keep growth and change from happening. Now almost two years later, I can see how my need to control was getting in the way of what God was trying to accomplish in me and in my marriage.

God broke me down, so that I would recognize my need for his grace, his mercy, his comfort, and his love. I fully believe that God allows us to venture into the valley's sometimes, in order to show our need for him. As a mother, so much is out of my control. The biggest growth I've experienced since Emerson arrived is the simple understanding that God holds me in the palm of his hand and has a far greater plan for my role as "mom" and "wife" than I could ever possibly understand. It has taken me two years to understand that I don't need to control everything in order for things to "go right", even when that means the outcome isn't as I'd originally pictured. Sometimes life is chaotic and that's where growth happens.

I've finally realized that this place where God has me planted, in this constantly changing season of life, I am growing. Sometimes I love it and other times, I hate it, but I am changing in ways that will benefit me, my daughter, and my husband. I am becoming more like Christ, and that is a burden I'm willing to bear.