I've never really understood that though because for a while the long days were just that, VERY long freaking days. I couldn't picture the "years" because I was consumed with the every days. It's no surprise to my readers when I tell you that I was depressed as a mom for a while, especially in the beginning. If I'm being completely honest with you, I still go through bouts of depression in this role of "mom". This is in no way me saying that I dislike being a mother or that there aren't a million joys for all of the negatives. And, of course, it has nothing to do with my actual daughter or the actual fact that I'm a mother. What a blessing they both are, truly {especially in a day and age where miscarriage + infertility are so common}. I'm referring more to the moments of motherhood that leave me in the trenches of loneliness, boredom, confusion, self-pity. Do you relate to that? Have you ever felt any of those things after a particularly hard day, week, or month? I know it probably seems like my posts tend to revolve around the hardships of motherhood as opposed to the joys, but the thing is, I can share my joys all day long, but what really needs to be discussed are the difficult parts of motherhood. The parts that no one likes to talk about for fear of being seen as ungrateful, fear of rejection, fear of humiliation, fear of "being the only one". I'm here to break down those barriers because they exist and they shouldn't evoke fear. I love sharing in the joys of motherhood, because it most definitely brings more joy than one could possibly imagine, but my heart is to share how even when it's really great, it's also REALLY DANG HARD at the exact same time, and it's okay to talk about it. And talk about it often without regret.
You see, up until recently, I had a hard time picturing what life would be like 2, 3, 5, let alone 10+ years from now. I often forget that Emerson will only be this little for a very short while, despite it feeling like an eternity sometimes. I wish away the time to get me to a "better" place with her. She's my pride and my joy, and the love I have for her is unlike a love I've ever experienced. But, that doesn't mean that I'm devoid of human emotion; emotion that often leads me to wonder what life would be like for ME if she were just a little older, a little more independent, a little more this or that.
This is all coming to the surface now more than ever because Emerson has been on a sleeping strike for over a week now. As any mother {or father} knows, this can lead to some very long days and nights. It can make you feel overwhelmed, under-appreciated, and physically + emotionally drained. Spending an ENTIRE day {with the exception of the 45 minutes that she decides she actually wants to sleep} with a whiny, needy, non-stop toddler is EXHAUSTING on all accounts. I tend to get frustrated and very overwhelmed when days like this occur because, as an introvert who needs time to recharge BY MYSELF, I don't get that when she refuses to sleep.
Which leads me to my next point. Yesterday, Valentines Day, I was in a pretty rotten mood for a variety of reasons {PMS being none of them, by the way}. To top if off, Emerson only slept 45 minutes the entire day {normally she sleeps 2-3 hours} which meant that I didn't get to accomplish much on my list of things to do, one of which included spending time with my husband by ourselves. I think this was intentional on God's part. I have a really hard time balancing my time, not because I'm disorganized, quite the opposite actually, but because I always feel like I {me, me, me} deserve more "alone time" than I do. I get frustrated and overwhelmed when "my time" becomes "Emerson's time". I'm selfish like that, I am fully aware.
This morning I woke up refreshed. It's amazing what acts of service {hubs went grocery shopping, made dinner for me, and cleaned up the kitchen}, a hot shower, and a good night of sleep can do for a mama. The past week has been tough for me, but God reminded me just this morning of why I need not fret about the lack of "me time" because He cares for me and provides opportunities for me to be refreshed. Here's how he reminded me of this; perhaps you've had small moments like this too:
Emerson woke up in a good mood this morning for the first time in over a week. Over the monitor, I heard her playing gleefully in her crib instead of crying. After going in to get her, she very happily said "hi mama, hi mama, hi mama". At breakfast, Emerson asked if we could "pwwwwayah" {pray}. This is something new that we've been trying to teach her at meal time. It was absolutely beyond precious.Then after breakfast, she played independently for like 15 whole minutes. If you know anything about my child, you know that she is NOT independent when it comes to playing. She always wants a playmate {aka me or daddy-usually me because daddy works}, which is going to be addressed in another blog post in the near future {NO! I'm not pregnant}. While watching her play, I was working on this post, and she came to me with 2 books in her hand, and said "buuuuk" {book}. Normally, I may have told her to hold on, or made her wait a little bit until I was done with my post, but for some reason, I just dropped what I was doing, picked her up and we read a couple of books together. In that moment, I was reminded that even though the days have been really, really long this week, she is growing up faster than I can comprehend and she wants ME, her mama to spend time with her. I swear just yesterday I was fretting over the fact that I thought she would never crawl. Now, she's running around like a maniac, having "conversations" with herself and others, saying multiple new words a day, and just acting SO much older in general. I find myself thinking way too frequently now, 'Where did my baby go?'
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| "Pwwaaay"ing |
I know that she's only a year and a half and this is just the beginning. Time is going to fly by even faster with each new year, of this I'm fully aware. I am learning that even though the days are longer than I would prefer most days right now, the years will be getting shorter and shorter, and before I know it they'll be gone. So, even though it often takes every ounce of me, I'm trying to learn to relinquish my control + my selfishness in order to cherish these tough moments, which will be what get me through the even tougher moments in the future after she's no longer my little baby and she tries to make me think that she doesn't need me. I know that these will be the best days and years of my life, so I'm vowing to myself to make these long days part of the short years that lie ahead.
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