No Shame in Her Game

I consider myself very lucky to have a mama who not only makes me dinner A LOT (yes, even at almost 30 years old, shh!), but also because she works in the catering business, which means even more free food. Without putting all of her business out there, she works for a golf club as their head caterer/restaurant manager. The golf club isn't far from our house, which means if she's up there working, I can usually snag some delicious free food. I did just that today. Chicken salad BLT with fries (Sh! cheat food) for the win!

While eating lunch and picking up the bajillion puffs snacks/chicken bits that my daughter dropped from the high chair, I was introduced to a gentleman who just recently had a baby. Scratch that. HIS WIFE just recently had a baby. Someone asked him if the baby was "a good baby" so far. His response was priceless, "Um...not really. No. No, actually he's not at all. I really love him, but he cries...a lot, like unless he's eating or sleeping!"

Oh, how it took me back to the first, ummm, THREE MONTHS with our daughter. Another lady asked how his wife was handling motherhood so far, to which I expected a generic "oh, she's doing great, she loves it". Instead, he said "well, it usually goes something like he cries, so she cries. Then she cries, so he cries..but I guess she's doing the best she can. I try to help, but when both of us are running on zero sleep -literallly- it's hard to NOT cry."

I wanted to reach out and hug his wife, but she wasn't there so clearly that was impossible. He and I talked for a little while about how my husband and I (mostly me with the crying) had been there and how even though they've probably heard it a million times, it will pass. I promised him that the zero sleep, though sucky now, won't last as long as he thinks it will. I always hated hearing that though, because it seriously feels like the sleep deprivation will never end when you're in the thick of it. I asked if they had a baby swing. He said the baby didn't seem to like it whenever they'd tried it. CUE MY DAUGHTER (again). Emerson hated that thing for the first month of her life...then I found the HIGH SPEED button. It was a dream. No literally, that's the only way she would dream at nap time for like 4 months. Yikes! Anyway, I told him to strap the baby in and crank that thing up and let it work it's magic. He said he was going to try it as soon as he got home. Let's hope that baby likes it...otherwise, he'll think I'm a total load of crap. I'm willing to take that risk considering I'll probably never see him again...ever.

That encounter has me reliving so many memories from Emerson's first few months. Guys (and girls)! She will be 9 months old next week. I cannot believe that. TIME IS FLYING! She waved "bye-bye" on her own today and I almost cried I was so proud. I'm going to be a mess the first time she drives away in a car, or God-forbid, when she goes to college. It's so crazy how fast time really goes. People said it would and now I know what they mean. Seeing her do all of these "big girl" things really has me wanting to just soak everything up because it's going to be gone before I know it. 

My last post was all about being real on social media, so I'm going to put that into practice.The past, I don't know, 5-6 weeks Emerson has had major separation anxiety and will scream bloody murder the moment I leave her sight. Like make-you-want-to-rip-your-ears-off screams. It's horribly sad and loud...very, very loud. I snapped this picture of her the other day while I was washing dishes. She was in a "can't let go of my mommy" mood and I thought it was actually quite adorable, minus the hicky on my leg from her lips (kidding).

 And finally, a laugh to end our time together. Don't you think we should all eat lunch like this? She also loves sitting like this in the carseat and when riding in the stroller. No shame in her game, y'all.

Wanna be's

I get a case of the "wanna be's" more often than I'd like to admit. I "wanna be" more like her because she's __________", or I "wanna be" less anxiety-driven, then I'd be happier", or I "wanna be more like that mom with that seemingly perfect kid".

It's so easy to get sucked into that mindset. I would say that DAILY I struggle with the "wanna be" attitude. I take responsibility for my thoughts and actions, but I do blame a large part of the "wanna be" attitude on social media. This all stems from an article I read recently about how a young girl hid all of her troubles from everyone, so much so, that her tragic suicidal death was actually unbelievable to most of her friends and family. How tragic, that 'we' as human beings can forge such a fake life for ourselves that we fool everyone around us. You know you've done it. I for sure have been a victim to it.

I have contemplated giving up Facebook SO many times, but have never done it because I guess I think I'll miss something important (ha, puh-lease), but mostly because it's vital way that I connect with out of state family members + friends, especially when it comes to Emerson. Yeah, I could e-mail or do something of the like, but honestly, that can be quite time consuming (not that our family isn't worth it), and I have a tiny human to tend to all hours of the day, so Facebook is just easier for me at the moment. I don't know which causes me more strife though, Facebook or Instagram. I don't have a "tweet-er", as I call it, and I never will. Frankly, that's because I don't really understand "tweeting" and don't really see a point in it. I share similar sentiments regarding Snapchat. I think it's dumb, but that's just my opinion + a completely other story, so ignore me if you love either of those social media outlets, and let's continue.

Facebook is VERY private for me in terms of who I'm friends with and who I allow to see my posts. If you see my updates, consider yourself lucky. I recently went on a FB de-friending spree and it felt great. I never realized I was friends with so many people that I haven't talked to or seen in like 5+ years. Sorry, not sorry.  Instagram is a little less private, in that I follow many people that I don't know (like the only reason I might know their name is because it's listed on their IG profile), but I don't allow anyone to follow me that I don't personally know. Too many creeps out there..again, another story. Instagram is a pitfall for me, especially since becoming a mother. I follow lots and lots of moms on Instagram and I find myself constantly playing the "wanna be" game with them. It's so frustrating to me, but yet I can't seem to hit the delete or "unfollow" button. I compare my baby girl to their children. I compare my body to their bodies. I compare my house to their homes. I compare my spouse to their spouses. I compare my anxiety to their seemingly lack-there-of. You name it, I've probably compared it. Ouch, that's hard to admit.

I'm happy for people that appear to have all of their s**t together (or even worse, actually DO have it together), but at the same time, I want to call "BULLS**T" on all of it. Instagram is just not reality, let's be honest. People filter, filter, and filter some more until it's practically not even them anymore. They post their baby the ONE time that day that they've laughed or smiled and post like the child has never had a hell-bent moment. They post ridiculously long statues tooting their own horns (major pet peeve, by the way), or they post only the pretty stuff in life. I am challenging myself to not only post REAL LIFE, but to eliminate the "wanna be's" by being myself and posting things that represent the way I want to be viewed in REAL life. I'm not saying I will never use a filter, or post a posed picture, but just understand that I get it. I get that there's real stuff happening behind the filter + the poses. There's nothing that irritates me more than folks who pretend to have it all together when in reality are breaking into a million pieces. I break on the regular and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I don't want y'all to have false impressions of me or my role as a woman, mother, wife, (used-to-be teacher), or any other role I fulfill these days. 

 Imagine a world where people were honest and real with each other. Imagine what would happen if instead of posting a picture on your best hair and make up day, you posted a picture on a day where you feel ugly, fat, and sad all at once. Be honest: we've ALL been there! I'm not suggesting that we all start posting pictures of our "I woke up like this" (except for real) selves, but wouldn't all of those "wanna be's" fade away if everyone just told their story like it really is? No hiding behind filters, or fake smiles, or statues that mask reality. Just tell it like it is. People like genuine, so you know what, I'm shooting for that rather than a "wanna be" version of myself. I feel better already...

I Can Do It ALL!- no but really

Let's take a poll. How many of you succumb to taking those ridiculously titled Facebook quizzes like "How many kids will you have?" or "What is your best character trait?" I know I take them out of boredom usually and then I end up analyzing the results like I've been to a professional or something. Well, I succumbed (which sounds weird, like it should read 'succame' instead) yet again, but this time it was "What  Kind of Parent Are You?" DUN DUN DUN! My results are in. I shouldn't place any stock in the results, except that they're unbelievably on point, for the most part anyway. I really HATE when that happens. I'd much rather it be WAY the heck off and tell me zero about myself. Those are much easier to deal with. This one though-YIKES. My results are below and they're pretty spot on. How does it do it??? 

I love that it *thinks* I succeed at all 10 things I "pull forward at once" and I certainly tend to *think* I can "do it ALL, no but really", but that's not accurate. I definitely can't do everything no matter how hard I may try.  I also love that it says I'm admired for my "funny wit" and "go-get-'em attitude". I think I'm pretty funny most days + I definitely see myself as a go-getter, but maybe my friends + everyone else disagrees...? 

On the downside, the "cons" were pretty dang accurate too, especially the "sometimes bossy" and the entire section with a red box around it.My husband and family members will laugh upon reading this part because they KNOW it's (unfortunately) true. We have a saying in my family that originated with my brother when he was just a little guy. It came to be because apparently I would tell him what to do a lot (GASP, I know) and he used to reply with, "Chelsea, you're not the boss of me!" LOL! I have no doubts that the "bossy" part is absolutely on point. I'm working on it, okay! I dislike the part about being loud + seen as cocky or arrogant. Though, I don't particularly care if I'm loud, to be really honest, but I really hope the cocky + arrogant part is not true!! I would hate for people to perceive me that way, because I definitely don't feel like I am, nor do I intentionally try to be that way. Y'all weigh in...

Do these results seem accurate when you think of "Chelsea"? 

I gotta' stop taking these dumb quizzes. Clearly, I overanalyze them.  ;)

Also, if I even look HALF as good by dinner time as the woman in the picture, I'm doing alright.

Cheater, Cheater Icecream Eater

Remember that time I decided to begin "clean eating"? I'm now asking myself where that drive and motivation went. For a while I was doing really, really well with it. Get this: I even started working out. Then, this past week happened. Cold weather set in again, I avoided the grocery store like the plague (to stock up on healthy options), and here I am back in a funk. I haven't worked out except once this week (normally I do 4 days), I've been eating like crap, and I have had very little energy + have been just 'blah'. I'm actually mad at myself for giving in (not giving 'up') to laziness in all of the aforementioned areas. I type this as I'm currently sitting here eating a Chick-fil-a asian salad because that was the "healthy" option. Pshhh, who am I kidding...the ingredient list on the back of the dressing packet is like a paragraph in length. This salad really isn't that healthy. Also, I got a small fry. I'm not fooling anyone.

I blame the weather. It snowed here today for crying out loud. Yeah, that's it; the cold weather is to blame for my cheater attitude. Anyway, I'm getting back into my routine starting Monday. Someone call me to make sure I do, for I can't be trusted. I'm kidding. I'm very strong willed and when I put my mind to something, I accomplish it, but for some reason, food + exercise seem to get me every time. Since I'm starting back at it on Monday, that means I have one more "cheat day", as they say.  (I think it's actually supposed to be a "cheat meal", but for me, it's been a whole week of cheating). Oy vey.

Y'all, I long for warm temperatures, fresh fruits + veggies, flip flops, the beach, and loads of sunshine. I ab.so.lute.ly cannot wait for those things! In addition to the fact that all of those things make me infinitely happier than anything you could imagine during the winter, I'm very excited that this will be Emerson's first summer with us (in the flesh, I mean). Also, this summer I won't be a beached whale + I can once again consume alcoholic beverages on the beach (or at all). Ahhhh yes, I can hear the ocean waves + feel the warm breeze already. Emerson has 5, yes five, swimsuits prepared for her summer debut. I also bought her a little navy + white stripped coverup because it was $1. I am DYING to see her little chub legs in those suits. Honestly, it's her cheeks that will get all the attention, no surprise there, even though the swimsuits are just darling. I can't wait to see her reaction to feeling the ocean + the sand for the first time. I anticipate her first experience in the pool will be that of pure bliss (seeing as how she would live in the bath tub if we'd let her) and by summertime, she'll be eating real "solid" food, not this puree mess. Side note: this girl is CHOWING DOWN on some food, y'all. I think the doctor will be impressed in 6 weeks. She already looks + feels heavier. I have muscle definition in my arms just from carrying the car seat. I retract my earlier confession of not working out, I HAVE BEEN WORKING OUT! You try lifting a carseat up/down/in/out/over/under a couple times a day and try telling me it isn't a workout. All my mama friends, can I get an 'AMEN'!

So friends, warm weather is coming, as are fresh foods, and plenty o' sunshine! That calls for a celebration with my most favorite food of summer... icecream.

Don't worry, it's from Skinny Cow...that means it makes me skinny, right? Or maybe it's more of the cow. Whatever, I'm doin' it.

"I'm so proud of you!"

"Aw, she's so tiny", they say. "She's so little; how much does she weigh?" or "She seems so small for that age". These are all comments that have been made to me by complete strangers after they find out (or even before) how old my daughter is.

I almost take offense to it. If you're one of the guilty ones, it's really okay and I know you meant nothing mean or offensive by it at all. Honestly, I hear it so much, that there's a good chance I tuned you out as you were saying it. I know that people, maybe like yourself, are completely innocent in making those comments and usually, they mean no harm, but if I'm being honest, I can't stand it. Why? I don't know. It probably has something to do with how I've been told "You look so young", or "You don't look old enough to be a teacher", or "You're not seriously in your twenties are you?" more times than I can possibly count. I know it's probably not a big deal to others, but to me, it is. It always has been when it comes to how "old" I look (granted, I'll be LOVING this in about 10 years or so...at least that's what everyone has told me), and it probably always will be a big deal when it comes to how "big or small" my sweet daughter is.

Why am I ranting tonight? We had Emerson's 6 month well check-up today (which really should be called '7 month', considering she's 7 months on Thursday). Side note: how is it even possible that my itty bitty baby is closer to a year old now than she is to birth????? Anyway, aside from her first month of life (she was a chunker at birth), Emerson has always been on the small side. I knew she would be because I always was/have been too. Let me preface this next part by saying that I completely understand that the "growth chart" used by pediatricians is just one way to measure a baby's development/growth. I also completely accept the fact that every baby is different and that my darling girl is FANTASTIC, GORGEOUS, PERFECT just the way she is. That being said, Emerson weighed in the 2nd percentile today. She's a whopping 13lbs 12lbs, 15oz . I know, I know...she's tiny. Basically, the pediatrician said that everything else checked out great + that she even seems a little ahead on some milestones (Go Em!), but that I need to feed her more, plain and simple. Dagger to my heart. I knew going into this appointment that she'd be low on the charts (as I've seen lots of pictures of babies her age that are clearly larger than her), but it hit me hard today just how small she is.  I'm not mad or even upset that she's small or anything like that (in all honesty, I'd rather her be small than humongous, because I'm not trying to lug around a 20 pounder), it's just I immediately felt like it was my fault. Why couldn't I have fed her more often or produced more milk (even though that's definitely not the problem)? Why didn't I start her on rice cereal or formula like they suggested at her last appointment? I could ask 'what if' until I was blue in the face, but that won't change anything.

My goal over the next six weeks, or before her "weight check" (per the pediatrician) is to fill that chick-a-dee of mine with some calories, non-breastmilk calories. She nurses 4-6 times a day as it is, and has been eating solids 2x a day. She's definitely not being deprived of the goodness of food. She just gets to enjoy it even more now, I suppose.

Remember my post titled "Advice to a First Time Mom From a First Time Mom"? In it, I referenced how I have found it helpful to be part of a group on Facebook for moms. Today, that proved especially true. I don't post on the FB page much, but today I needed a little encouragement from moms who have had babies in the lower percentiles. I needed to know it wasn't my fault. I'm telling you, 33 comments later and I feel SO much at ease. I obviously didn't intend for that large of a response. Honestly, one mom saying she'd been there would've been plenty, but I worry a lot, and those 33 moms made me not only feel terrific about where Em is both physically + developmentally, but they also made ME feel like I'm doing a good job (probably without them even knowing it). I KNOW in my heart of hearts that there's nothing more I can/could do for my daughter than what I'm already doing. I give her 110% of myself and my time and I care for her needs almost 24 hours a day (minus the parts that she's sleeping). I am no less of a mom because my daughter is small and she IS THRIVING. She is doing awesome and I am so proud of her.

I just put her to bed a bit ago and as I rocked her, I just thought about how blessed I am to be her mom. She has not been the easiest of babies, but she is my sweetie. I love her with every piece of me and then some. As I laid her down and kissed her goodnight (for the thousandth time, because I kiss her at least 10 times at night before I actually leave her room), I whispered in her ear, "I love you so much", followed by...

"I'm so proud of you."