It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

In the beginning it was hard, R E A L L Y hard. It was so hard in fact that I almost gave up about 2 months in. Then, it got easier and easier and easier, until one day it was like magic. Everything leveled out and it was a beautiful experience. I'm referring to breastfeeding. I have been breastfeeding Emerson for exactly 357 days. I am 8 days shy of one whole year. I say that not to boast in any way, but I NEVER thought I'd make it to this point. 

In my life, I've had some pretty great experiences. Like the 3 week backpacking tour I took across Europe with my high school senior class, or the missions trips I took to Peru and Africa throughout my years in high school and/or college. I got a car for my 16th birthday- that was pretty awesome! I met my husband at my best friend's wedding, and then went on to marry him two years later, of all things. Now, my wedding day, that was a spectacular day! It might be my favorite day of all time. It's tied for first with the day of Emerson's birth. Both days will forever be engrained in my memory. 

I will never forget the night I went into labor. Heck, I remember that like it was yesterday. I will never forget the look on Trey's face when he caught a glimpse of her for the very first time. I will never forget holding her immediately after she was born and hearing her cry for the first time. I was shaking, even my voice shook. I couldn't believe that on my chest was my CHILD. Then, there was the first time I ever fed my daughter from my body. It was awkward, at first, then it was amazing. How it was possible that I could produce enough milk to nourish my newborn baby was BEYOND me. It is like NOTHING else I've ever experienced. It was great for the first 2-3 days. Sure, I was sore, but overall I really had a good first experience with breastfeeding.

We came home from the hospital with this little baby girl and suddenly I was responsible for making sure that she was well-fed, and frequently, I might add. Talk about responsibility! My milk came in a day or so after we got home and that's when it started. The immense pain and engorgement was barely tolerable. I had so. much. milk and it hurt! I was ready to quit after just one week. I knew I wanted to breastfeed because it's "what's best for the baby", but amidst sleep deprivation, healing from delivery, AND extremely painful nursing sessions, I was exhausted and the first thing I was ready to give up was nursing. Trey begged me to keep going and to press forward, not in a condescending or mean-spirited way, but he ENCOURAGED me to keep going. He reassured me that in due time it would be well worth it, and that it would soon become a special time for Emerson and I. 

I'm so glad for his encouragement and that I chose to press onward. It's now almost exactly 12 months later, and I can say that every ounce of pain in the beginning was worth it. Every pumping session and middle of the night feed was worth it. Emerson has been weaning herself from nursing for the past few weeks. It's really, really sad for me. I have been holding back tears every night for a week. It has always been our nightly routine for me to nurse her, sing to her and then lay her down for the night. Starting a few nights ago, she would try to nurse, but would get frustrated and begin crying. I would try my best to comfort her, but I couldn't give her what she wanted..."milkies" (as I've called it). That night was probably one of the saddest nights I've had since her birth. It physically hurt my spirit that I couldn't nurse her that night. She just laid in my arms trying and sucking with all her might, but to no avail. I eventually had to give her a sippy cup with milk to calm her. I could no longer sustain her.

My mama heart ached that night. Since then, she has been doing similarly each night...trying and trying, but ultimately resorting to her sippy cup. I know the time is near; the time to stop this ritual that we've created. It has been time VERY well spent. I will never, ever in a million years regret my decision to breastfeed. Some of my sweetest memories with Emerson have happened in the rocking chair in her room where I nurse her. 

Holding onto mommy while nursing

As we slowly say good-bye to this phase of our mother-daughter relationship, I will always treasure the memories made with her during our nursing sessions together. From 10-12 sessions a day, down to just 1 now. I'm holding on to our last morning session as long as she'll have me. I will always remember how she stroked her head as she nursed to soothe herself. I will never forget how she would lovingly stare at me with those beautiful hazel eyes. I will cherish the times she dozed to sleep in my arms after nursing. I will relish the memories of just rocking her while she ate in the wee hours of the morning when all the world was still. I vow to keep the memories of our time together alive, just the two of us,  as long as I live because even though it was the worst of times to begin with, it has ended as the best of times.

You are my Sunshine

You are my sunshine// my only sunshine// you make me happy when skies are gray// you'll never know dear// how much I love you// please don't take my sunshine away.

Lyrics to a very popular children's song (or perhaps it's even considered a lullaby). Either way, a very beautiful rendition of it came on iTunes radio this morning. I was sitting at Emerson's little table playing with puzzles with her when it began playing quietly in the background. As I watched her play, I instinctively began singing along (because it's a song her daddy + I have sung to her since before she was born). Without even realizing it, I was tearing up. As I sat there watching her play, I was in awe of how much she's grown over the past (almost) year. I am amazed by her. My days are often long and tiring, there's no denying that, but moments like this one make everything worthwhile and are a reminder from God, I'm convinced, of why I quit my job to be home with our daughter. 

I know many a friend who so badly wish to stay home with their babies rather than work. While I often envy those that get to go to work everyday and have adult interaction for 6-8 hours a day, I also wish that they sometimes could experience what I do every day too. {This is not to say that someday I won't return to work, but as it stands currently, this is the direction I'm choosing.} Not just for the selfish reason of having them see just how taxing staying home with a child all day actually is (it's a job in and of itself, trust me), but because I wish they could watch their babies like I get to watch Emerson. By watch, I mean it in the literal sense, as in "stare" or "take in". I don't always play with her or interact with her. Though she is definitely attached to my hip more often than not, there are occasional times each day where I like to just watch her play or stare into space or roll around or talk to herself or discover new things. There is no greater joy as a mother than just watching your little babe develop and discover new things.

Just now as I type this, Emerson is sitting at my feet playing with some blocks. She is very content. She occasionally reaches and tugs on my pant leg  + looks up at me with those beautiful hazel eyes. I just smile because she's so pretty. She continues playing with her blocks and books, then randomly stands against the recliner where I'm sitting and gazes at me, then her little arms extend up anxiously hoping I'll reach down and gather her up in my arms, which I do, of course. She sits there with me for no more than a minute or two and we sing and dance to the song playing, then she begs to get down to continue playing. I LOVE THAT! The need for a cuddle, or a smile, or a gentle embrace. THAT is what makes being here day after day worth it. If she were elsewhere, I would have much more time to "be an adult", yes, but I wouldn't get to experience all those little moments that occur simply because I AM here. I love her cuddles and the little glances that she shoots me when I least expect them.

Emerson will be one in two weeks. Y'all, I cannot wrap my brain around that. I swear she was just the size of a little poppyseed in my belly. Her daddy and I were just starting to fantasize about what she would look like: the color of her eyes, the shape of her little hands and feet, about whether or not she would have any hair, and we certainly liked to dream about those chubby cheeks. Now, here she is almost a year later crawling and standing and talking and dancing and trying to sing (be still my heart). She has the most gorgeous features and that curly hair is killing me. She can pierce me with a single tear and her smile, it's to die for. I am tearing up right this second thinking about everything we've experienced together during her first year of life. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions. It's been hard on me, the marriage between her daddy and I, and honestly on my life in general, but amidst all of the difficulties, it's been so very, very worth it. She is truly a piece of my heart walking (almost) around outside of my body. She is growing everyday and it hits me a little more each day that she's becoming an actual little person with feelings, and a very fierce personality. She is becoming more and more independent, and selfishly that makes me sad. Everyday, though she is still VERY attached to me, she needs me just a little tiny bit less. 

I am so thankful for the lessons that she's taught me and how the Lord has used her life to forever change and better mine. I have learned new things about myself (both good and bad) and about my husband through this experience of motherhood. I am so excited to see what the future holds and I pray to God that He never takes my sunshine away from me while I'm on this Earth. I just love her too much. Though, I know that somehow He loves her even more. She will always be our sunshine.

Gotta Start Somewhere

I'm a blogger failure. I get really into it for about a month and then fade off. Then an idea comes to mind that I'd like to write about, but reality is that I don't always have/make the time to write it down on paper (or realistically, type it out on the computer). I think that's okay though. I used to follow blogs that would post anywhere from once daily to 3-4 times a day and that's just overkill. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

I'm here today to say that I'm making progress on my fitness goals. If you follow me on IG or FB, you know that I started the Beach Body 21 Day Fix program 14 days ago and I am already seeing results. I haven't lost much weight, but I have lost close to 5 inches total so far (just from hips + thighs). I have been struggling because when I step on the scale, I don't see a decrease (well, not much of one anyway) and that is discouraging. But, my husband being the fitness extraordinaire that he is, reminded me that muscle weighs more than fat, so even though I'm not losing weight, that doesn't mean the program isn't working. *Sigh* Ahhh...thanks for the encouragement Hubs. I'm not here today to boast about my progress or anything, I simply want to state some of the other benefits I've seen from doing this program so far. This program includes a 30 minute daily workout and a nutrition plan that portions out your daily caloric intake to help you get the necessary nutrients your body needs, while helping you see the results you desire. It doesn't require me to give up foods I like necessarily, but it does limit the quantity of servings of each food group (carbs, protein, healthy fats, etc). My only cheat on a daily basis is my cup of ice-cream at night while I relax on the couch). Ain't nobody or no thang taking that away from me. Sorry, not sorry. I have even limited the amount of wine I drink on a weekly basis...the struggle is so very real, y'all. The stressed teacher and mother in me is screaming MORE WINE, NOW!

Reasons why I'm loving the 21 Day Fix:

1. It gets my day started. I wake up, change/nurse/read with Emerson, then I feed Emerson again (actual food this time), then I make myself something to eat + I workout. I try to workout either before or during Emerson's first nap of the day. If I don't do it first thing in the morning, it (for some reason) doesn't get done-I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that it has to do with my tiny human. Something about working out and sweating makes me feel more productive the remainder of the day. I don't get it, but it does.

2. I feel hotter, sexier, prettier....choose whichever adjective you'd like. No doubt that working out on a daily basis has boosted my self-confidence. Even though I can't see a drastic change in my body quite yet, I FEEL better, which in turn, makes me more confident. I can't explain it, it's just how it is. You ladies have been there: you can have all the makeup in the world, have the fittest body, cute clothes, etc, but unless you FEEL good about yourself, it's all moot. Am I right? Working out and eating (more) healthy does this for me.

3. I'm nicer. I don't know if it's the release of endorphones or what, but I am in a MUCH better mood after I've had a workout. It's probably directly linked to number 2 above. :)

4. It makes my husband proud. As I mentioned, he is a fitness freak. Okay, that's a lie. He's not a freak, he just likes working out and eating right. He's always (nicely) trying to remind me to be active for MY health, not for his sake. When I was pregnant, I was very health conscious and I was very active. He was very proud of me, I could just tell. He never had to say it. It was written all over his face and it was obvious that he was proud of me. I like making him proud because it turn, it makes me feel good. Again, back to number 2 above. I see a pattern here. I want him to be proud of me and I want to be HOT for him. Let's be honest, mom or not, our bodies change over time, so if I want to look good and feel good, I've got to put in the time. No more *wishing* that hot bod into existence.

5. I want to prove people wrong. I won't name names, but people have made comments about my weight post-baby. I'm not mad at them because I HAVE gained weight. Though I'd like to say it doesn't get to me, it really does. I know none of the comments have been mean-spirited, but the fact that people have noticed that I've packed on pounds doesn't exactly make me FEEL good. Oh, there it is again...back to number 2. I want to stick with this program for a LONG time because I want to prove to myself and to others that, even after gaining 30 pounds and nursing a baby for 11 months now, I can get my body back...and in better condition than it was when I left it.

I just know that when it comes down to it...I gotta start somewhere, and this seemed like a great place to start. So, here's to feeling better and looking good! How are you keeping yourself feeling good?

DIY Tent Canopy

You guys know that I love a good DIY, especially when it can be done on the cheap! Emerson's room has had a daybed in it since she was born. I thought I would get a lot of use out of it, but it ended up just taking up space, more than anything. I've been wanting some extra seating in our playroom anyway, so I removed the daybed (all by myself...beast mode) yesterday from her room + rearranged the playroom to accommodate the daybed. ANYWAY, my original reason for writing today is to share with you a quick tutorial on creating a tent canopy for your kiddo. I saw an idea on Pinterest a while back that involved creating a nook for your little one to use as a reading/play space. I've seen teepees that are super cute, but in my opinion, are a little more "boyish" and I wanted something girly for my little lady. Emerson's nursery is pretty girly anyway, so I didn't really think a teepee would fit the space. I opted for a canopy that you can DIY, naturally. I fell in love with the idea immediately after I saw this picture. I love how airy and light it is, too! You can find the tutorial that I originally read by clicking here. 

I chose to put my own spin on it. In all I spent about $25, and it took me less than thirty minutes to make. For the canopy I created, you'll need the following materials:

* 2.5 inch Ceiling hooks (You can buy 1 hook for ~ $0.99 at Walmart)

* 1 hula hoop (I wanted a larger hoop so that the canopy would be plenty spacious inside. I got my  hoop at Dollar Tree + they had various sizes. I got the 23 or 26in hoop-can't remember which)

* 1 spool of 1 inch ribbon (I used white)

* 4 floor length sheer curtain  ROD POCKET panels (I used white + I got mine at Big Lots for $5 each, for a total of $20). I almost wish I would've done 5 or 6 to make it a little fuller, but it works for now.

Instructions:
FIRST, you'll need to cut your hula hoop. Mine had a section where it had been taped together with clear packing tape. I simply used a sharp scissors to cut the hoop in half where that tape was.

SECOND, slide all 4 sheer panels onto the hoop when you cut it open, just like you would slide them onto a curtain rod.

THIRD, align the hula hoop back together and tape it back up with clear packing tape. I put several pieces just to be sure it wouldn't come apart, because little hands will be tugging on the panels.

FOURTH, cut 4 pieces of ribbon to the same length. For this part, you'll want to measure how far from the ceiling you want your canopy to hang. I didn't measure mine, I just eyeballed it. I would guess it's about a foot and half from the ceiling (or ~18-20 inches). I wish I would've done it closer to the ceiling though, honestly because there's a lot of slack curtain on the floor and I foresee that being an issue with an on-the-verge-of-crawling baby.

FIFTH, attach each piece of ribbon the the hula hoop in between each curtain panel. So, where each of the 4 panels meet is where you'll tie the ribbon. I hope that makes sense. I didn't take pictures, sorry!

SIXTH, bring all 4 ribbon pieces together in a triangular fashion and tie them in a knot.

SEVENTH, drill a hole in the ceiling and mount your hook where you want it.

EIGTHTH, hang your canopy using the knotted portion of the ribbon from step 6.

NINETH, add cushions, pillows, and/or blankets to the inside to create a cozy little space for your little munchkin.

The final product is shown below.

I do plan on adding lights + some plush cushions (I saw an idea of recovering a dog bed) to hers eventually. For now, she has some soft blankets/quilts on the floor as cushioning. I hope you guys can use this to create something fun for your tiny humans! I'm off to create some DIY rain gutter bookshelves to place next to her new canopy! More on that another day! Until then...

My Best Friend

According to Urban Dictionary, "Best friends are very special people in your life. they are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you're sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world. They are a shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases, they would take a bullet for you, because it would be too painful to watch you get hurt."

Yesterday was (apparently) National Best Friend Day, or as I affectionately call it "Besties Forevvvvvva Day". I don't really call it that, it's just more fun to say type. In all honesty, I didn't even know that was a day until someone told me. Friend fail, on my part. While I have many friends, only a few earn the title of "best" friend. It's hard to pinpoint ONE best friend, and honestly, who wants to do that? I used to get jealous if someone referred to me and someone else as their "best friend". I think I was weird last week back in middle school. Anyway, as I was saying, I have a couple of friends that I consider to be "best" friends. I'm not going to mention any names, well, except for one.

Emerson.

That's right. My daughter. She's my best friend right now. I say 'right now' because she'll have others that come along to take the place of her "bestie", but for now, the title is mine, ALL mine.  Sure, Trey ranks pretty high up there in terms of being 'my best friend', obviously, along with a few others, but Emerson is unique. She knows me like no one else, quite literally. She is the only one (so far) that has heard my heartbeat from the inner parts of me. She is the only one that has recognized me without having ever seen me. She knows the rhythms of my heartbeat and the sounds of me within. She is the only one that is truly and completely a part of me. None of my other "best friends" can claim that.

Usually, best friends spend a lot of time together, unless they live far apart. They tend to be inseparable when they're together. They look out for one another and they defend each other. They thrive off of one another. Usually, much like a marriage partner, they bring different qualities to the table; qualities that offset each other, yet enhance the relationship. Emerson and I have that. Odd to say, maybe, and you're probably thinking, 'But, Chelsea, she's just a baby'. You are correct, she is just a baby, but she's also SO much more than that. 

Emerson and I have spent every -single- day together since the moment she was born (really since conception, if you want to get technical). I have not left her for more than several hours (I'm working on it--part of that is a completely other story that I'll write about another time).  I don't remember what it's like to be without her.  Yes, some days are long and boring and hard and frustrating, but even in the most mundane moments, she brings me immense joy. Joy like no other friend of mine can provide. One smile can cure an hour of frustration. One little giggle can erase an entire day of tension and tears. I know every detail of her little body. The way her hair curls in one spot on the left side of her head. Or the way her nose wrinkles every time she gets frustrated. I know she loves God's creation, even though she doesn't quite know Him yet.  I adore the way she peeks around the corner when she heres my voice or how she screeches with joy when we tickle this one certain spot.  She listens to me when I'm sad (mostly because she has no choice); sometimes we even cry together-- that happened a lot when she was itty bitty. She laughs with me (or at me). She holds me tight, seemingly never wanting to let me go. She seems to know when a cuddle will make everything alright, if even for just a moment. I stare at pictures of her after she goes to bed at night, even though I have spent the whole day with her. Her life makes mine very worthwhile. Her presence on this Earth has made mine so much more valuable. She will never know the tremendous joy and pain I felt when she first came into my life, both physically and emotionally. And she will never know the heartache I feel when I imagine my life without her. She is my pride and joy, and for now, she is my very best friend.