For the Unappreciated Mom (or Wife)

I read an article this morning that really struck me. Probably because it resonated with EVERYTHING I have felt throughout the last 9 months of my life. Before you continue reading, I encourage you to click here to read the article that I will be referencing throughout this entire post. I  will be pulling excerpts from it, so you'll understand even if you choose not to read the article, but it was THAT good, that I recommend you do indeed read it.

For anyone that is questioning my post title today, it is with good reason. You may have thought, "Chelsea is feeling unappreciated?" or "Oh, I totally need to read this because I AM an unappreciated mom". I would venture to say that both of those are true actually, but the post is titled as it is because the article I reference today is titled "A Screwtape Letter for the Unappreciated Mom".  If you're unfamiliar with the book The Screwtape Letters, then this article may be a little odd to you. I borrowed the following explanation about the book from an online source (here). The Screwtape Letters are written in the form of letters. The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis is an amusing and insightful correspondence between a senior devil, Screwtape, and his incompetent nephew, Wormwood, a "young fiend." All of the letters are from Screwtape to Wormwood, and the subject of the correspondence is a human being, newly converted to Christianity, whom Screwtape refers to as "the patient." Throughout the correspondence, Screwtape tries to help Wormwood tempt the patient away from Heaven and into Hell. He encourages his nephew's successes, suggests various and devious ways to enter the man's thoughts and influence him. 

The article referenced today is a letter written similar to those in Lewis' book. It is written from Screwtape to his nephew, Wormwood and it's all about how "a tired Mom makes for a more emotional Mom, and an emotional Mom is a vulnerable one", hence able to be easily swayed in her thoughts and actions. 

In the letter, Screwtape addresses the marriage. "First, aim your best efforts at her marriage.

As you know, we cannot do much with a unified marriage.  Luckily for us, a cranky and exhausted wife can do wonders to change that.  We must convince her that her husband is no longer the friend and ally she first married.  Instead, we must reveal every sin and selfish habit, especially drawing attention to his thoughtless actions (mal-intended or not) against her." How true this is, my friends! I have been guilty of this very thought pattern. I have been beyond exhausted, and "cranky" is putting it nicely. I have been way too good at pinpointing my husbands every flaw and calling him out on it. I have learned this is not effective, but ohhh it's a very real way that Satan hunts me down and snakes his way in.

Secondly, do what you can to keep her focused on her troubles and pains.  Remind her how much her back aches, how draining the children were all day, and how many undone tasks still beckon her.  Do not let her wonder what difficulties her husband faced that day or whether his back might also be aching.  Valuing others above oneself is one of those silly, though strangely effective, tactics of the Enemy.Along those lines, be sure the Mother starts to value productivity above everything else.  Have her wake up early and work non-stop until bedtime. Convince her that as long as there is a shred of work to be done (and there always is), no one should be resting.  Then, as she folds and sweeps and he sits, you can introduce the sweet bitterness of resentment. This may come as no surprise, but I'm especially guilty of this. I am ALWAYS feeling the need to DO something. I get so (inwardly, but sometimes outwardly too) annoyed when Trey gets to just sit and I have to clean this, or fold that, or pick up those things. I fail to realize that he works near every day of the week for 12-24 hrs. at a time. Granted, I do too, but it's different. I'm with our daughter all the time, while he's not. He's missing out on quite a bit and I know he would change that if he could. I do not give him the credit he deserves. He works not one, but TWO jobs so that I can stay home with her. He works ungodly hours so that we don't have to put our daughter in daycare 40+ hours a week (nothing against those that have to do that). He can be selfish, but I would argue that he's much more selfLESS than I most times. He and I have discussed my resentment towards him on numerous occasions. It seems from reading the article that 9 times out of 10, I bring the resentment on myself. Funny, how that works.

Remember, the love of a husband can be dangerous to our cause.  If he senses her unhappiness, he may begin to help or (even worse) show her affection. True story from just the other night. Trey had worked a 12 hour shift at the hospital and it had been a fairly easy day for me at home with Emerson. After she went to bed around 7, I made dinner for us (ashamedly, something that has not been a common phenomenon lately). He was to get off at 8. Dinner was ready before he got home, so I ate and I had it all ready for him to eat as soon as he walked through the door. It was a new recipe and I was so excited for him to try it, let alone see that I had actually made dinner. He got home around 9p and I presented him with his dinner after he sat down. His first words, "Ew, is this red pepper?" Strike 1.  Followed by, "And babe, why did you put mango in this?" Strike 2.  "I don't like any of this stuff." Strike 3.  My quick, non-thought out response (now highly annoyed because I'd just spent the past hour making dinner for him only to have him nit pick it before even trying it), "Just eat the damn food, Trey." Ouch, probably not the best choice of words on my part. This made him highly agitated and he took his bowl and went in the other room. That was our night. The silence was present for a while, but eventually it just kind of passed and we moved on, after, of course, I voiced why that had upset me and unprompted he cleaned the entire kitchen and sink full of dirty dishes. This just goes to show that actions speak far louder than words.

Now, onto the children.  Lovely little opportunities for us, the children, especially the little ones. We must convince her that the obnoxious little people she has charge of are not really worth her sacrifice.  When the Mother first dreamed of having children, she probably imagined large, innocent eyes and chubby, happy grins taking up the majority of her days.  Do your best to shatter those expectations. Instead, draw attention to how much they take from her.  Let them take and take and take…  And need and need and need, until the Mother feels totally spent... Do your best to make the day-to-day monotony of diaper changes, meals, and baths seem simultaneously overwhelming and beneath her.  Let her think of all the better, more important things she could be doing with her life, if only she didn’t have the children. Like a knife, this cut me...deep. I have been guilty of feeling like everything I do for Emerson is (somehow) beneath me. That I, an educated woman, am stuck here tending to poopy diapers and playing on the floor day in and day out. I could be doing so much more, like shopping or creating DIY projects, or teaching little minds. You know, important stuff! How can caring for my "obnoxious little person" compare to all of that. OH, how the Lord has been changing my heart. I have just recently realized the value of my presence in her life. She needs me more than I can possibly imagine. She relies on me for everything...literally. I am her sustainer at the present moment. I am teaching her to become a valuable part of God's creation. I am responsible for her well-being as long as she's present on this Earth and there is NOTHING that could possibly compare to that. NOTHING.

Finally, the letter ends with Screwtape writing to Wormwood about how he needs to be sure to make her look to her husband for worth and affirmation.  Then, when he lets her down (as he is sure to do), she will be ours to torment.  This is hard. I can't tell you how many times daily I look to my husband to fulfill some need, want, or desire. It is not his responsibility (though he does play a significant part) to insure that I am fulfilled as a child of Christ. I still find it difficult to rely solely on Christ for fulfillment. Trey will never be able to give me the desires of my heart. He may make a dent in some of them, but he doesn't even know half of them. Only Christ does and only He can fill the depths of my soul where my deepest yearnings dwell. 

Are you convicted yet? I surely was. I hope that you took (or will take) the time to read the linked article as it is far more convicting than my post here. I just hope that some of you can resonate with these points and that they cause you to reevaluate some areas of your life, as they have for me. 

Until next time...
                                    

I took word for word excerpts from the linked article above and give full credit to the author of the article for the valid points made within. I take no credit for anything written in italic print above. 

The Mom Bod

It's no secret that a woman's body goes through drastic changes during and after pregnancy. This was us circa 2011, a year after we got married. I didn't work out, I didn't watch what I ate, and yet I still looked like this. How is that even physically possible? {Teacher stress, that's how!}

Well, that was great while it lasted. Not only, has my body structure changed since then (mostly since having a baby), but I can't just eat whatever I want anymore with little consequence. Yeah, I still love ice cream and an occasional Coke, but I rarely have either of those anymore. I have curbed my eating habits tremendously (ask my husband), but I still enjoy food. I don't want to go through life only "being allowed" to eat certain things. That's no fun and quite frankly, makes me pretty miserable. I feel confident knowing that I'm making healthy choices 90% of the time. I don't want to force myself into an exercise regiment or an eating regiment that causes me to lose sight of what's important in life. Food and exercise are both wonderful and I usually enjoy both, but I don't enjoy making that my focus because then that's where all of my energy goes and that's not healthy. That was somewhat of a tangent, sorry! Back to business...

I, probably like many of you, have been very hard on myself post-baby. I used to be a size XS/S and now I'm a M (and even sometimes a L). That has been a hard pill for me to swallow. I am still breastfeeding, and I'm pretty sure it's causing me to hang on to some extra weight because no matter what I do, I can't shed those last 8-10 pounds of "baby weight". Is it still considered that if your baby is almost a year old? LOL!

{I want to preface this next part by adding that I do not intend to offend or upset anyone with this post or with what I'm about to say}. Anyway, I'm not used to being an 'average' sized woman. That sounds SO horrible to say, but it's true. I've always been skinny and petite. I'm still petite, but not nearly as skinny. Let me clarify by saying that I am in no way saying I'm fat or obese or anything like that, so please don't misunderstand. What I am saying is that this new body of mine is an adjustment. I often forget that this new body of mine carried and sustained a human life for 9+ months (18 if you count breastfeeding). That's an amazing feat! I tend to find all of the "gross" parts of my body and focus on them. I fail to recognize that the extra weight I have around my mid-section that's still fairly loose (you know, that pooch we all hate) is from my abdomen stretching and reorganizing itself to accommodate an almost 8 lb baby. I ignore the fact that my wider hips are from my pelvis physically expanding to birth a tiny human. (*Ouch*). And these larger arms are from carrying that 8lb (now closer to 15lb) baby around for 9 months. The girl loves her mama, what can I say? The cellulite on my upper thighs, well I'm not sure what part of pregnancy caused that, but I am sure it's to blame. :P

Here's the deal (ladies!), I, though still small in comparison to many, have insecurities. I have been embarrassed at times by my body. I hide it from my husband sometimes (like he hasn't seen it already or something). That's how we got in this (wonderful) predicament in the first place! I try to fit into old clothes in an attempt to "feel" skinnier. Honestly, that completely backfires every time. Just buy some new pants Chelsea, seriously. Since having Emerson, I try to eat right and I try my best to get some form of exercise daily. I try to get plenty of rest and I TRY to keep positive thoughts in my head when I look in the mirror. If I'm being honest, that last one is the hardest. I beat myself up way too much. I need to just accept the fact that my body HAS changed and it's the new me. That doesn't mean that I will settle and say 'screw it'. I will continue to work towards change, but, what I also intend to do from here on out is to speak positively to myself when I see my reflection. Trey encourages me and tells me I'm beautiful, but I need to tell myself, or it means nothing.

In the end I find myself wondering 'who it is I'm really trying to impress anyway?'.  I have a terrific husband who loves me as I am, a God that made no mistake with me, and I have a beautiful daughter that made me this "new" way. I think I'm good with that. Maybe this "mom bod" isn't so bad after all...

A Little Bit of Luck

Sleep. It's such a vital part of life! Wouldn't you agree? Even before having a baby, I needed 7-8 hours of sleep a night in order to function. So imagine my horror in finding out that a baby doesn't sleep that easily by themselves from the get-go...not at night anyway. I was a hot, hot, HOT mess after Emerson was born, but I won't go into that. Let's just say that after our second night in the hospital with her, I was willing to have her put back in my belly for a while. Okay, nevermind, that sounds really disgusting, but you know what I mean. I really think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was extremely sleep deprived, which poured over into everything else. Without sleep, you just can't function properly. I'll never understand why God created motherhood in such a way that at the time in your life when you probably need the most sleep, you receive the least amount of sleep. Not sure what He was thinking there, but obviously He knows what He's doing, so I'll just let that one go.

People used to (and still sometimes do) tell me how "lucky" I am (was?) to have a baby that slept through the night so early on. I want to respond to said people with something other than "thank you", because little do they know that I WORKED MY BUTT OFF to sleep train Emerson. It was no easy task. Also, she was a pretty tough newborn, and so I paid for it during the day when she wasn't sleeping. I'm 95% sure she had colic the first 3 months or so, but I'll never actually know.

Back to my original point, getting her to sleep through the night. It required many, many nights of getting out of bed anywhere from 5-10 times a night and required much diligence and determination on my part. "Night" here meaning between the hours of 11p-6a. I will say that we have been extremely blessed with a good sleeper from the get-go. Emerson was never a party-all-night kind of girl, but then again I started a bedtime routine 2-3 weeks in and it has not changed since. We do the same routine every night in the same exact order. I really, truly believe that's why she's so easy to put to bed and part of why she knows bedtime is bedtime and not party time.

Why am I telling you all of this? I have had several people ask me over the course of the last couple of months how I got Emerson to sleep through the night so early on. I won't take 100% credit for it, because I really believe it was a God thing (I believe He knew I needed a saving grace + that was mine), but I will take about 75% of the credit. My post today is to explain how our sleep and nighttime routine works, to the best of my ability and without sounding A- HA-HA-HA-HA-HA about it.

From the get-go, I started Emerson on an "eat-wake-sleep" routine, meaning she would nurse, then be awake for a while, then take a nap. I tried to keep this routine going throughout the day starting from basically day 1. This really helped me determine wake/sleep times, and it helped us get on a good feeding routine that was very consistent from day to day. I definitely recommend trying to get on a similar routine if you haven't already, unless you just don't care about a routine, then forget everything I just said. :)

As I mentioned above, I started a bedtime routine with her around 2-3 weeks of age. I had read several books/articles and every. single. one honed in on the importance of a bedtime routine when trying to establish day vs. night. From very early on, we made sure that after about 6pm the house was somewhat dim (especially her room) and we kept things very low-key after that time. I should also note that Emerson began sleeping IN HER CRIB IN HER OWN ROOM at like 3 or 4 days old. She was too noisy and no one was getting any sleep when she was in our room (again, this is not for everyone, but it's what worked for us).

 We started her bedtime routine about 6:30p every night, which consisted of the following (in order):
6:30p  Warm bath with lavender soap  (sidenote: she hated baths until about 1 month old)
6:40ish  Lotion, pjs, and a quiet song (usually "You are My Sunshine" or "Wheels on the Bus")
6:50ish Nurse with mommy in the rocking chair in her nursery (same place every night)
(When she was really little we would swaddle her after nursing and Trey was usually responsible for this because he could ALWAYS get it way tighter than I ever could. Emerson was quite the swaddle Houdini.)

After swaddled, I would hold or rock her gently and sing "Jesus Loves Me". Then, I'd lay her down, kiss her, insert paci, and leave. Here's where it got tricky sometimes. She didn't figure out how to keep the paci in for a quite a while, so reinserting the paci happened several times before she actually fell asleep most nights. Once she was good and asleep, and the paci fell out it then didn't bother her. The toughest thing for a while was PACI REINSERTION about 5-8 times a night, not including in the middle of the night.

For the first 3 months, she would go to "bed" at 7pm and wake every 3 hours ON THE DOT to nurse. She never skipped a meal, not by my doing...that was ALL her. She ate at 7p, 11p, 1-2a, 4-5a, and again when she woke for the day at 7a. If she woke up to nurse anytime after 5am, I would always put her back down until her daily wake up time at 7a. Around 2 months old I started doing what's referred to as a "dream feed", where I would pick her up out of her crib still VERY drowsy and nurse her, then lay her right back down after she was finished (often she would fall back asleep in my arms). I would do this around 10:30p (or before I went to bed) every night. So she'd have been asleep since around 7p, then I'd dream feed at 10:30-11p, and she'd sleep until 2-3a. Around 2.5 months she started skipping that 1am feed and it just kept getting pushed closer and closer to her 4-5am feed. So, I knew she didn't NEED that 1a feeding anymore. I took it upon myself to wean her off of the 1a feeding by inserting her paci whenever she'd wake. This was TOUGH. It took about 1-1.5 weeks to fully wean her from this feeding before she just started skipping it altogether. Some nights it meant me getting up and reinserting the paci 4-8 times. Everntually, she just stopped waking up for it, so by close to 3 months she was sleeping 7p (dream feed at 11p) until close to 4a. Shortly after I weaned her of that feeding she eventually found her thumb and once she did, the rest was history. She started self-soothing around 3 months old, which is when she started sleeping through the night consistently. She dropped the  4am feed on her own. She just didn't wake up for it one night and then she never woke for it again. At almost exactly 3 months old, she started sleeping 12+ hours a night, 7p-7a and she hasn't looked back since (knock on wood).

I don't know if I explained that very well at all, but I guess the key for us was consistency. From teaching, I know that kids THRIVE on routine and consistency, and that has proven true with our daughter as well. Find out what works and stick to it. Try not to switch things up too much because then you'll just confuse the baby. In regards to naps, I did use a version of the "Cry It Out" method (though hard to do was VERY successful for us). I won't go into that because I do believe there's already a post on it somewhere on my blog. I'll try to find it later and link it here.

I hope some of you find this helpful. I hope I didn't make anyone cry or get mad because their baby isn't doing this. TRUST ME when I say that I WAS THERE TOO! Just remember, it will happen eventually. Just keep doing the best you can, because really, that's all you can do. Though, I guess a little bit of "luck" doesn't hurt either...

No Shame in Her Game

I consider myself very lucky to have a mama who not only makes me dinner A LOT (yes, even at almost 30 years old, shh!), but also because she works in the catering business, which means even more free food. Without putting all of her business out there, she works for a golf club as their head caterer/restaurant manager. The golf club isn't far from our house, which means if she's up there working, I can usually snag some delicious free food. I did just that today. Chicken salad BLT with fries (Sh! cheat food) for the win!

While eating lunch and picking up the bajillion puffs snacks/chicken bits that my daughter dropped from the high chair, I was introduced to a gentleman who just recently had a baby. Scratch that. HIS WIFE just recently had a baby. Someone asked him if the baby was "a good baby" so far. His response was priceless, "Um...not really. No. No, actually he's not at all. I really love him, but he cries...a lot, like unless he's eating or sleeping!"

Oh, how it took me back to the first, ummm, THREE MONTHS with our daughter. Another lady asked how his wife was handling motherhood so far, to which I expected a generic "oh, she's doing great, she loves it". Instead, he said "well, it usually goes something like he cries, so she cries. Then she cries, so he cries..but I guess she's doing the best she can. I try to help, but when both of us are running on zero sleep -literallly- it's hard to NOT cry."

I wanted to reach out and hug his wife, but she wasn't there so clearly that was impossible. He and I talked for a little while about how my husband and I (mostly me with the crying) had been there and how even though they've probably heard it a million times, it will pass. I promised him that the zero sleep, though sucky now, won't last as long as he thinks it will. I always hated hearing that though, because it seriously feels like the sleep deprivation will never end when you're in the thick of it. I asked if they had a baby swing. He said the baby didn't seem to like it whenever they'd tried it. CUE MY DAUGHTER (again). Emerson hated that thing for the first month of her life...then I found the HIGH SPEED button. It was a dream. No literally, that's the only way she would dream at nap time for like 4 months. Yikes! Anyway, I told him to strap the baby in and crank that thing up and let it work it's magic. He said he was going to try it as soon as he got home. Let's hope that baby likes it...otherwise, he'll think I'm a total load of crap. I'm willing to take that risk considering I'll probably never see him again...ever.

That encounter has me reliving so many memories from Emerson's first few months. Guys (and girls)! She will be 9 months old next week. I cannot believe that. TIME IS FLYING! She waved "bye-bye" on her own today and I almost cried I was so proud. I'm going to be a mess the first time she drives away in a car, or God-forbid, when she goes to college. It's so crazy how fast time really goes. People said it would and now I know what they mean. Seeing her do all of these "big girl" things really has me wanting to just soak everything up because it's going to be gone before I know it. 

My last post was all about being real on social media, so I'm going to put that into practice.The past, I don't know, 5-6 weeks Emerson has had major separation anxiety and will scream bloody murder the moment I leave her sight. Like make-you-want-to-rip-your-ears-off screams. It's horribly sad and loud...very, very loud. I snapped this picture of her the other day while I was washing dishes. She was in a "can't let go of my mommy" mood and I thought it was actually quite adorable, minus the hicky on my leg from her lips (kidding).

 And finally, a laugh to end our time together. Don't you think we should all eat lunch like this? She also loves sitting like this in the carseat and when riding in the stroller. No shame in her game, y'all.

Wanna be's

I get a case of the "wanna be's" more often than I'd like to admit. I "wanna be" more like her because she's __________", or I "wanna be" less anxiety-driven, then I'd be happier", or I "wanna be more like that mom with that seemingly perfect kid".

It's so easy to get sucked into that mindset. I would say that DAILY I struggle with the "wanna be" attitude. I take responsibility for my thoughts and actions, but I do blame a large part of the "wanna be" attitude on social media. This all stems from an article I read recently about how a young girl hid all of her troubles from everyone, so much so, that her tragic suicidal death was actually unbelievable to most of her friends and family. How tragic, that 'we' as human beings can forge such a fake life for ourselves that we fool everyone around us. You know you've done it. I for sure have been a victim to it.

I have contemplated giving up Facebook SO many times, but have never done it because I guess I think I'll miss something important (ha, puh-lease), but mostly because it's vital way that I connect with out of state family members + friends, especially when it comes to Emerson. Yeah, I could e-mail or do something of the like, but honestly, that can be quite time consuming (not that our family isn't worth it), and I have a tiny human to tend to all hours of the day, so Facebook is just easier for me at the moment. I don't know which causes me more strife though, Facebook or Instagram. I don't have a "tweet-er", as I call it, and I never will. Frankly, that's because I don't really understand "tweeting" and don't really see a point in it. I share similar sentiments regarding Snapchat. I think it's dumb, but that's just my opinion + a completely other story, so ignore me if you love either of those social media outlets, and let's continue.

Facebook is VERY private for me in terms of who I'm friends with and who I allow to see my posts. If you see my updates, consider yourself lucky. I recently went on a FB de-friending spree and it felt great. I never realized I was friends with so many people that I haven't talked to or seen in like 5+ years. Sorry, not sorry.  Instagram is a little less private, in that I follow many people that I don't know (like the only reason I might know their name is because it's listed on their IG profile), but I don't allow anyone to follow me that I don't personally know. Too many creeps out there..again, another story. Instagram is a pitfall for me, especially since becoming a mother. I follow lots and lots of moms on Instagram and I find myself constantly playing the "wanna be" game with them. It's so frustrating to me, but yet I can't seem to hit the delete or "unfollow" button. I compare my baby girl to their children. I compare my body to their bodies. I compare my house to their homes. I compare my spouse to their spouses. I compare my anxiety to their seemingly lack-there-of. You name it, I've probably compared it. Ouch, that's hard to admit.

I'm happy for people that appear to have all of their s**t together (or even worse, actually DO have it together), but at the same time, I want to call "BULLS**T" on all of it. Instagram is just not reality, let's be honest. People filter, filter, and filter some more until it's practically not even them anymore. They post their baby the ONE time that day that they've laughed or smiled and post like the child has never had a hell-bent moment. They post ridiculously long statues tooting their own horns (major pet peeve, by the way), or they post only the pretty stuff in life. I am challenging myself to not only post REAL LIFE, but to eliminate the "wanna be's" by being myself and posting things that represent the way I want to be viewed in REAL life. I'm not saying I will never use a filter, or post a posed picture, but just understand that I get it. I get that there's real stuff happening behind the filter + the poses. There's nothing that irritates me more than folks who pretend to have it all together when in reality are breaking into a million pieces. I break on the regular and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I don't want y'all to have false impressions of me or my role as a woman, mother, wife, (used-to-be teacher), or any other role I fulfill these days. 

 Imagine a world where people were honest and real with each other. Imagine what would happen if instead of posting a picture on your best hair and make up day, you posted a picture on a day where you feel ugly, fat, and sad all at once. Be honest: we've ALL been there! I'm not suggesting that we all start posting pictures of our "I woke up like this" (except for real) selves, but wouldn't all of those "wanna be's" fade away if everyone just told their story like it really is? No hiding behind filters, or fake smiles, or statues that mask reality. Just tell it like it is. People like genuine, so you know what, I'm shooting for that rather than a "wanna be" version of myself. I feel better already...